I woke up today with a slew of bets on my books and had to check twice to make sure they were real. At first I thought I had just made pick-em bets for the leagues I was in. But then i looked at my betonline.com account…not so much.
Well, fuck. Here’s what i bet:
ARIZONA CARDINALS (+3.5) against the Redskins: Did you know Panera Bread blocks online betting sites? fuck them. and fuck the cardinals. people are making a big deal about rex grossman being awesome and getting 300 yards every game he plays, and apparently the az secondary got torched last week. my notes say: don’t listen to people who talk about week one games. well then what else am i supposed to go on? the redskins are the real deal. they got a dope QB and good karma on their side with dan snyder looking over them. there’s no way they lose this game. i’m going redskins/pats super bowl. sober self nation.
CINCINNATI BENGALS (+3.5) against the Broncos: AH SHIT. bengals got lucky last week, no way they can win two in a row. orton is going to come out and prove all those bible thumping billboard posting lard swabs that he’s the real deal and put up 500 yards on this shitty bengals team. andy dalton is a fluke. benson can’t run for shit. fuck me and my shitty picks.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (+9) against the Lions: Motherfucker adderall self is a contradictory piece of shit. he picked the lions over and then bets against them? that line isnt nearly high enough. didnt anybody see the lions dominate? theyre so fucking legit. and the chiefs lost. if the chiefs lose one week and the lions win, there is now way the lions don’t win this game by a billion points. stupid, stupid, stupid. my notes have some stupid stat about 2010 seahawks first two games. one they won by 30, the next they lost by 30 to a team that lost by 20. who gives a fuck. week one means everything, not last year.
well there you have it. don’t make any of these picks because they suck and they’re all weird underdog fantasies that will never come true. fuck me.