NFL on ADDERALL: WEEK THREE
It’s an adderall bonanza! I woke up with three bets already placed and two pending that had the words, “confirm with non-adderall self.” Aw, my adderall self feels bad for me and is giving me charity picks. that’s so nice of him. anyway, here they are:
Adderall Bets:
MIAMI DOLPHINS (Bought down to +3 from +3.5) against the Browns. Hmm. I don’t get this at all. the dolphins aren’t very good at football, and even when they look okay they still lose by a lot. the browns, however, they beat the fuckin colts. colts were 10-6 last year! that peyton hillis is a steamroller, he’s going to blow through the dolphins. and colt mccoy’s little brother is going to be at the game! how could they lose? terrible pick.
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-2.5) against the 49ers: Oh great the luckbox spread covering bengals again. no way they keep this shit up. they surely blew that game last week and knowing how weak-minded all the fucked up psyches on the bengals are, they’re definitely going to pack it in and lose every game this season. plus carson palmer is showing up at practice just to get the billion dollars they owe him. can’t focus on shit when palmer is fucking faces on the sideline.
CAROLINA PANTHERS (Bought down to -3 from -3.5) against the Jaguars: Wait, what? The 0-2 panthers are favored against a team that beat the team that beat the team that beat the steelers and you BET ON THEM? fucking fuck.
Half-Adderrall Half-Sober pity bets:
My adderall self left me two bets to research. and in doing so, i found out that they make sense. however, this might just be my adderall self fucking with me, roping me in and delivering an even bigger blow to my record. i can’t tell.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-14.5) against the Chiefs: Who knows what the logic was on his side, but on the sober side, i noticed that the motherfuckin chargers are relentless at home, and bitter as fuck the chiefs made the playoffs last year and they didn’t. hell, they beat them 31-0 last year with jamaal charles. who knows how bad this is going to be.
ATLANTA FALCONS (+1.5) against the Bucs: The bucs are regressing and the falcons have always been good at stopping non-versatile runners like Blount. They struggle against pass catching RBs like forte and mccoy, which is why they got owned in weeks one and two. but against pretty standard offenses, they reign.
Crazy Cosmic Home Grown Knowledge Bet:
My adderall self has one more thing written, and he didn’t bet on it, but wanted to make clear that after watching donovan mcnabb for a decade in philly, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to his stats and his good games…except two things…week 3 and the lions. mcnabb kills the lions and he kills every team in week three. he’s lost once in the last ten years in week three and every time he wins by a ridiculous amount. there is no reason why, just like there is no explanation for mcnabb firing it straight into the ground on 3rd and 5 when there is a man wide open. but the universe is largely not figured out, and mcnabb might have some goddess on a far away planet who bid that week three each year he throws for 4 tds and 400 yards, even more so when he plays the lions in week 3. i know the lions are red hot and this line is terrible, they should be favored by 14, but the universe, much like the honey badger, don’t care.