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jamaica has a hockey team?

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May 19, 2012
sports / deportes
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Cool Runnings laid the blueprint for how a country like Jamaica can get a Winter Olympic team: Find athletes whose skills might transfer over like sprinters and push-cart drivers to bobsledding.

I saw today that Jamaica has a hockey team and it is kind of mind boggling. What skills transfer to hockey that Jamaicans (or any Caribbean country) could have? Surely there are better fits for them to explore than hockey. I mean, did they just get Mighty Ducks 2 and get inspired after seeing Trinidad and Tobago’s team? Look at their jerseys — they’re a spitting image of the Mighty Ducks’ jerseys:

Are they just banking on the fact they are going to find a Jesse Hall and Russ Tyler somewhere in Kingston? Maybe if the knucklepuck hadn’t been invented yet there would be hope that they could do something new and innovative with the sport but I just don’t see it. I would think they might be more cut out for something like the biathlon or cross country skiing — you know, using the running and shooting skills Jamaica is famous for. The country only has like 2.8 million people, so the chances of putting together enough athletes for a team is minimal. Are Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell going to compete in these games as well? I mean come on, even Qatar, a country next to Saudi Arabia, has more ice rinks than Jamaica.

They better be praying that marijuana is a performance enhancing drug for hockey.

And you would think the whole hating ice thing would have deterred them from forming this team….

Steroid Watch – Baseball with Brian Fantana

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April 20, 2012
false celebrity endorsements, sports / deportes
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Too Much Fire field reporter Brian Fantana has sent in his latest article, focusing on the young MLB season in STEROID WATCH 2012.

Exhibit 1: Omar Infante, 2B, Miami Marlins

With all of focus on Ozzie Guillen being a communist and the Jose Reyes/Hanley Ramirez bromance, no one seems to have noticed Omar Infante’s steroids in his locker. Only once in his career has Omar hit over 10 home runs and in the first two weeks of 2012 he has 4. I’m not a mathematician but I can tell you he is on pace for quite a bit more than 10 this year and we will be keeping an eye on his continued production.

 

Exhibit 2: George Kottaras, C, Milwaukee Brewers

Good ol’ George has always been kicked around as a committee catcher. Looks like he got sick of it this winter and decided to juice up. A slugging percentage of 1.067 to start the year? That’s more than double any previous season’s percentage – didn’t think anyone would notice George? This is why no one trusts you calling a major league game. He’s the kid who stole the answers to the test and didn’t know to get at least 1 or 2 wrong.

 

Exhibit 3: Nolan Reimold, OF, Baltimore Orioles

You would think that anyone doing well on the Orioles would be on this watch list but Nolan raises specific suspicion. If he equals last year’s total of 87 games played he is on pace for 34 home runs – last year he hit 13. Nearly tripled his production in the off season? This whole situation reeks of steroids and stale crab cakes.

 

 

Exhibit 4: Cuban Defect, Yoenis Cespedes, OF, Oakland Athletics

Yoenis’ presence on this list should be no surprise. I mean it must suck to always be introduced as Cuban Defect Cespedes. I bet you he wishes he paid more attention in biology class so he could be Dr. Cespedes – or really anything other than Cuban Defect. Anyways – he’s Cuban, abandoned his family and friends in Cuba – and he possesses the “do anything to win” attitude that Irv Blitzer had in Cool Runnings, aka CHEATER.

 

Check back in with us throughout the season for updates on these likely alleged cheaters and of course additions to the list.

thievin’ keenan

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April 18, 2012
television
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A friend showed the below clip to me. I wasn’t all that excited about watching it but I obliged because I was expecting to have to have a conversation about it after. Overall, not that funny — typical recent Saturday Night Live bullshit. But I noticed something interesting at the end. Keenan (who is now on SNL) of All That and Keenan and Kel, was using Kel’s voice from Good Burger to portray a stoner. Naturally, this got me thinking.

 

Skip to 4:15 to see this part:

This taught me two things about the stars of this once beloved Nickelodeon show:

First – Keenan is a greedy bastard. Kel is a guy that doesn’t really have a career and hasn’t done anything since Mystery Men. The only thing he really has left is people remembering he loved orange soda and he was the moron from Good Burger. There was even a rumor he died in 2006. Now Keenan, who is on Saturday Night Live and making award winning movies like Snakes on a Plane and Fat Albert (not to mention he invented the knuckle-puck) needs to use the only voice that made Kel recognizable in a SNL skit. What a dick. I could understand if this situation was reversed, but definitely not with these sides.

(Side note — I never really understood why Keenan made it and not Kel, who was always the funnier of the two.)

Second - Ed in Good Burger was absolutely a stoner. I mean good for him — his job sucked working at a  a shitty burger joint. But this is one of those things that I never could have picked up on at age 11 or 12 and now it makes total sense … Kind of like when you found out the count was a nympho:

you can change your name, but you’re still an asshole

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April 10, 2012
sports / deportes
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I'm going to be a Laker girl!

Ron Artest Metta World Peace has suggested that Lamar Odom should rejoin the Lakers as a  a ball boy/towel boy for the rest of the year.

Well aren’t you funny, Ron. So your teammate who you won a championship with is now a peon? You have a guy that was traded away from a team after seven years and two championships and you suggest he become the ball boy? Then Ron tries to cover his tracks and say, ‘Oh no, he should be a scout’? The guy just got released from a team and you, “World Peace,” his former teammate are going to rub salt in that open wound?

If you want the guy to rejoin the team, don’t belittle him in the media by saying he could be the ball boy. Regardless of any plans to have Lamar play in LA next year that might be in place, the last thing I want is my former teammate saying that I should do a publicity stunt by wiping the sweat off his face.

NBA players just don’t have a sense of humor I guess — remember LeBron and Wade fake coughing last year? I wonder if they would have done that if it was Jordan they were facing when he had the flu. Greg Oden thinks its funny to be the number one pick overall and then never play. These guys need a crash course on what is funny and what just makes them a dickhead. At least once “World Peace” gets cut he can pursue his dream of becoming a Laker girl.

This has to be the biggest “Fuck You” since Tin Cup when David Simms showed up to Roy McAvoy’s driving range saying he needed help in a tournament and then had him caddy. I can only hope that Lamar has an equal opportunity to prove himself and show up the man who wronged him like Roy does in this scene.

get a load of these guys

By
April 6, 2012
"world news"
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her parents must be so proud.

The LRA came out today and bashed Kony 2012. If you don’t know what the LRA is and you have posted a Kony anything, consider yourself a douchebag. Anyways, I thought it was a joke when I first saw this. Is an organization that has been under more scrutiny than the Kardashians really going to try to make a stand for itself? Whether or not you sympathize with the Kony 2012 “movement”*, you probably agree that the LRA are assholes.

Well this got me thinking. I obviously think that these are terrible people, but I have to respect the move. I mean this is ballsy — to issue an 18 page document basically claiming defamation and libel, saying that the public has a manipulated view of you enslaving an army of adolescents.

And its not some chicken scratch shit. They’re quoted using words like ‘myriad’? Get the fuck out — when did they get Hooked on Phonics? They don’t stop at calling out pseudo-corporations like Invisible Children and they even try to take on America? I guess they want to be taken seriously.

You got to hate the people involved but you got to respect the move. What would you do in that situation? Everyone in the world hates you, your online English classes taught you mildly impressive words, so why not try to make your thing bigger via the internet? I don’t think this document helps them at all — dumbasses probably put a return address on the envelope anyways but here’s an ‘A for Effort’, guys.

On the bright side, they’re practicing writing and not killing kids so it is a good day. Maybe the likefest on Facebook kind of worked?


*Disclaimer: Movement is in quotes because while everyone insists on calling it a “movement” Kony 2012 is a publicity whorefest, or a fad, but definitely not a movement. Buying a $250 tent to camp out to show that you support Kony 2012 isn’t probably the best way to positively help these kids. You hippies don’t get an A for effort. You get nothing.

“the dikembe”

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April 3, 2012
fire moves
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What ever happened to The Dikembe? What ever happened to the finger wag in the face to say, “don’t you do that again”? After watching last night’s game, which featured copious amounts of blocks, I wanted to see someone, anyone, give the finger wag. It has to be one of the best “F U” things to do that isn’t perceived as being offensive. I think it was only called as taunting once or twice (a.k.a. It’s Fire).

I realized The Dikembe isn’t just for basketball though. It is for life. A buddy of mine is from Houston, and we used it a number of times during beer pong. Needless to say, any games The Dikembe was used, we won.

The most recent person I’ve Dikembed was someone who tried to jump their turn at a four-way stop while on the way to class this morning. I’ve been informed that honking my horn is inappropriate in the South, so I have turned to “Dikembeing” asshole drivers. They got the message. I’m just waiting for some rapper to make up “The Dikembe Song” to challenge “The Dougie” and “Bernie.” The Dikembe sounds way better than that.

If you want to get ahead of the curve in life, I invite you Dikembe the next person you encounter that does something wrong. They will feel shame and know they have been owned.

Not to mention everything Dikembe did was straight fire. Well, maybe not his bowling. See Dikembe Fire below:

Pasta Pasta, it’s named after Pasta.

all-movie hockey team

By
March 29, 2012
movies, sports / deportes
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With the NHL playoffs around the corner – you can bet your ass I’m going to be watching some hockey movies this weekend. This plan got me thinking – what group of six hockey playing movie characters would make the best team? I am going to eliminate players from Miracle from this list because they are real people, aka personas non-gratis on a fantasy list. You don’t have to be the best player to be on this list – but character-wise you better be great.

Lets start with an easy one:

G – Denis Lemieux – Slapshot (1977) 

I doubt any goalie has ever had a better knowledge of the game than Lemieux – as he demonstrates in the clip below. I want a goalie that carries his stick with him everywhere and talks funny. He also plays for one of the shittiest teams in the league prior to the arrival of the Hanson brothers so he would be facing many less shots each game with the rest of this line up. Denis also will provide comic relief for the team just by talking – what more can you ask for out of a goalie? Oh and the mask? Tits.

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