Last year I started this article with “February Sucks.” I felt compelled to write this article at the same time because it’s true. Let’s review 2012′s record to see if this is a worthwhile endeavor.
To those who made the 2013 Bluejay prop bet in 2012 at +100000 based on my advice: you’re welcome.
WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS
Dogshit. But at 5/11 you’d still have had a positive payout. But oh well, here we go 2013
Picks after the jump…
Depending on your location summer has arrived for the most part. Girls dress like sluts and the beer flows like wine. It’s not the worst time of the year by any measure. But all is not well. The problem with summer is that kids won’t stay off your goddamned lawn. One man boldly took this problem head-on created a pretty fire weapon (exhibit A). Your eyes do not deceive: it’s a shotgun/super soaker, often found at shadier Toys R Us locations. Right when the kids think they’re about to get playfully doused…WHAM-O. Fertilizer. That’ll show ‘em.
Stay off my lawn.
(story/picture courtesty ktla)
And so baseball is off to another year and the predictions made earlier in the season mean about as much now as they did then. Some better, some worse for the wear. Actually they’re all dogshit. Oh well. As we say while in denial all season: lots of time left. My baseball futures will come around and pay off my college debt. Luckily I also hedged that bet with a 401(k) which is doing only slightly worse than if I had just put all my money into Classmates.com stock.
So as I watch baseball and try to figure out my next move I noticed something about a team that has won me a lot of money over the years. The Dodgers started off as the hottest team in baseball but slowed back down to a Twins pace more recently. Many so-called analysts pointed to the lack of Matt Kemp in the batting order but these are also the same people that thought the shitclock in Miami’s outfield was cool. The real reason that club has slowed down is not because Matt Kemp is not in the batting order, but because he’s not doing on-field interviews anymore.
What an orator. Other teams were simply distracted, confusing him with a character from a hit Fox Cartoon:
So that’s my theory. Matt Kemp increases entropy. Bet with care.
While browsing through CNN trying to get a grip on what’s happening in the world, I’m mostly kept abreast with the most pertinent information.
Last week, I learned why Beyonce gave her kid some dogshit name. And just today I was put in the know about how Titanic 3D is everything we could hope for. Unless it’s Titanic 2: Two Hours of Billy Zane Talking I’ll stay home. Actually scratch that; someone already had the sand to make Titanic 2.
But I digress. As I went on looking for news that might make me sound more intelligent in conversation, I ran across a BBC article that really just cuts through the bullshit and gets down to the facts I care about:
So thank you BBC. I’ll keep my eyes out next for Why Mexicans Love Swimming With All Their Clothes On and Why Asians Drive Like Helen Keller. On that note I’ll be creating an article of my own over the next few weeks: Why White People Like to Get Shithouse-Drunk and Ejected from Baseball Games.
Ahhhhhh! Head for the hills!
On second thought, don’t be too alarmed; this floating potato will just be staring at you from the headlines for the next couple days.
Meredith Lowell, of Cleveland Heights, Ohio now stands accused of holding such contempt for people that wear fur she allegedly sought the services of a hit-man … from Facebook.
Once terrorists/ALF liberators move beyond organizing in Facebook groups like Fundamentalist Terror Friendship Network and Budget Hitmen we might all be in deep shit. I suspect by day 3 in the clink she will be browsing Pinterest for hitmen to rub out the purveyors of this fine compendium.
The lesson here is the same as it is anywhere. Avoid Ohio.
February Sucks. Turn the TV on in February and you will be disappointed. Even the Australian Open isn’t on anymore. So until real sports return, we have to make shitty lists about what we think is going to happen in sport X in year Y. So, in that vein, we bring you TMF’s preview for the 2012 MLB season. Of course, if MLB fixes something that isn’t broken we’ll have another WC team to add in later. Bud Selig can blow me.
The Angels suck but there’s only four teams here and Texas has an off year.
I made bold prediction last year that the Royals would take this division. I won’t make that mistake twice.
Why? Because fuck the Yankees. Of course, this team is quickly becoming a pretty unlikable group too. Blue Jays 2013.
More picks after the jump…
simulated image of projected new espn editor david duke
For those of you who don’t follow NBA (a list that includes myself), you may have missed some great headlines over the years on ESPN.com.
In an attempt to actually increase their NBA viewership, ESPN apparently decided to hire famous grand-wizard David Duke to start writing their headlines. In case you haven’t been on the site lately, the most recent NBA headline was regarding a recent performance of Jeremy Lin and ESPN decided to go with “Chink in the Armor.”
Intrigued, TMF sent in an agent to look into the matter and they were able to uncover some upcoming headlines which are now presented to you, our dear reader:
On Manny Ramirez’s attempt to return to MLB:
“Spic of the Devil; he’s back!”
On Hue Jackson becoming a coach for the Bengals:
“Spade ready to plow field in Cincinnati”
On Ryan Braun’s upcoming season:
“Kikes in the Outfield”
With headlines like that, expect an Auschwitz-oven-hot 2012 for ESPN.