So said this black kid I knew in middle school. Before the advent of The Sopranos, I watched Oz circa 1998-99. For me, middle school was a little bit like Oz. The whites hung exclusively with whites, blacks exclusively with blacks, and Mexicans exclusively with Mexicans. There were jumpings, thefts, a few pregnancies, and as noted, very poor race relations.
The Mexican kids started this gang called PMP (for Pimps M’ Playas). To piss them off, we started a gang called The Red Posse (because we thought it sounded cool) — but that’s a story for another day. Right now I want to talk about . . .
My YouTube addiction is so pathetic, I ran across these scenes from Oz where the dude in the wheelchair explains why people are in Oswald State Penitentiary. Here are a few of my favorites:
Remember Prisoner #92S110, leader of the Aryan Brotherhood, Vernon Schillinger?
Now a representative of State Farm Insurance.
How about Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reilly?
Now a representative of Allstate Insurance.
Or perhaps the most notorious character, Prisoner #93A234, Simon Abebisi?
Not sure which insurance company uses this guy as a representative.
And whatever your opinion of Oz, you have to admit, they had a great intro:
It’s halfway through Sunday and I feel like getting drunk. I believe I’ll do that here shortly. Crown on the rocks will be today’s order, in my estimation.
They tossed me out of the bar the other night. Only this time I was dressed in a tuxedo.
It’s nothing I’m proud of, but over the years I’ve proven it doesn’t matter if I’m in Los Angeles, California, or Lubbock, Texas, or Jackson, Mississippi — people dislike me everywhere I go — and they throw me out of bars to show it. A good doctor once told me, “Yeah, there’s gonna be people like that, but ya know what? Fuck ‘em.”
The only problem, Dr. Hutchman, is that I’m getting older now. I have friends that are married. They live in houses. And there’s me, getting pushed into the street by a bouncer.
When was this supposed to stop? Where was the bus? How did I miss it?
Many writers choose suicide as a sort of . . . retirement plan. The obvious problem with that is I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile to warrant retirement. Besides, I can’t ever commit suicide because in my warped consciousness, the Cowboys might have a shot at it next year. Couldn’t miss that.
So, I’m here, I’m around, I’m hanging out. But at the moment, I’m going through one of these quarter-life crises. I invested in a Harley Davidson — the V-ROD — and that’s placed me in a bit of debt.
That’s my sled.
March Madness will help to pay some of it off. After that, baseball season. But you too can make a contribution to the “Yippykaijay Fund.” If you believe, mail cash or a check to:
1001 University Avenue #5209, Lubbock, Texas 79401
If you choose to contribute by check, don’t worry about filling out the “Payable” line. Just put “Yippykaijay Fund” under “Memo” and we’ll take care of the rest.
Currently, the Supreme Court’s conservative bloc has a 5-4 majority. With three Justices turning 80 this year, the 2012 election could determine if conservatives or liberals will cement control in the coming decades.
Don’t worry — this won’t be a political rant. I just want to inject more pseudo-intellectual material into TMF (similar to how I want to eject more genetic material into Elena Heiress).
Over the next few months, they’re gonna heat things up a little in the Supreme Court of the United States:
March 2012 – President Obama’s controversial health care overhaul.
April 2012 – The Arizona crackdown on illegal immigration.
Later this year, the Court could hear a Texas affirmative action case challenging the use of race as a factor in college admissions. Farther out, they could hear arguments on California’s Proposition 8.
If any of you jack-wads get a chance to break from your typical diet of toomuchfire.com and pornhub.com, I recommend you check out www.oyez.org, where you can see what’s going on in the Supreme Court and even listen to pod-casts of oral arguments.
On December 11, 2011, Yippykaijay posted the most controversial article in TMF history. What was it? It was a simple picture of a guy who helps out on the Dallas Cowboys coaching staff. Yippykaijay is somewhat of a Cowboys sympathizer — he’ll admit that. But his post was so controversial, so polarizing, that TMF’s editor felt the need to add the following caveat:
“(editors note — nobody else on this site endorses Rob Ryan or Rex Ryan, and nor should yippiekaijay after that 4th quarter performance…yikes)”
Part of the problem was that some contributors were worried toomuchfire.com might be perceived as a site which does not absolutely HATE the Dallas Cowboys.
However, if you’ve ever visited our site before, you’ve noticed three things:
Outright support for the New England Patriots
Mockery of the various misfortunes of the Dallas Cowboys, and
In 2010, surf filmmaker Taylor Steele came up with an idea: Independent filmmakers composing their own vision of the perfect surf clip. Their people, their places, their styles — let viewers vote on who’s best — winner gets $100,000.
Any filmmaker/surfer duo could submit their creation — it was like the Oklahoma land rush but for surfing videos instead of federally confiscated land.
Last year’s winner was the unknown 21-year-old from Maui, Matt Meola. Filmed and directed by Elliot Leboe of ACL Digital Cinema.
Now, as it turns out, Matt Meola was who I voted for last year. Most of it had to do with a Maui bias but nonetheless, it proves I’m in-tune when it comes to surf clips. This year, I’ve developed a 5-part criteria to guide my TMF-sponsored vote.
1. Song: Subjective? Irrelevant? Unfair? Sure — those are all valid assertions. But you need to take a listen before you watch a surf clip for this reason: No matter how rad a clip may be, a bad song can ruin it. A good song, however, makes you want to watch the clip over and over again.
2. Location/Waves: Everyone who watches a surf clip needs to be wowed. You want them to ask, “Where is that!?!”
3. Surfer/Maneuvers: These days, guys do stuff in surf videos that’s just stupid (stupid meaning “How the fuck can he do that?”; in reality, they land those back-flip aerials once every 4 or 5 tries, if that). A good surf clip needs a mixture of rights and lefts, cutbacks, barrel rides, and grommet-style airs to show the spectrum of the surfer’s abilities. You also need a few crashes, busts, wipe-outs, etc. to show the size of the surfer’s balls.
4. Production: This involves camera angles, editing, cut-aways, special effects, and a whole lot of other shit I don’t know about because I’m not a film guy (although I’m TMF’s unofficial Hollywood film critic). The main thing here is the production should be impressive, bu it shouldn’t infringe on the surfing.
5. Skit: If they try to fit a skit in there, it better be damn funny or damn meaningful. It’s usually not worth the risk – hokey surf humor is something of the past.
So who were my favorites?
Harley Ingleby — Longboard, shortboard, wooden board, whatever. Ingleby took a fresh approach, proving he can rip on any board you hand him. Song “Sail” by Awolnation.
Hank Gaskell — Maui bias? Yeah. But his clip also reminds me of my favorite thing: surfing fast waves on sunny days in clear blue water. Song “Don’t Move” by Phantogram.
Peter Devries — A finalist last year, Devries is one of the best again. What’s the difference with Devries? He does 360 airs wearing a 6:4 wetsuit at breaks you’ve never heard of in Canada. Song “Avec Mes Mecs” by Humans.
Directed by Jeremy Koreski.
TMF’S 2011 INNERSCTION VOTE GOES TO PETER DEVRIES OF TOFINO, BRITISH COLUMBIA. PAY THE MAN HIS $100,000.
“Antena Orizaba 2″ is bean-speak for “Orizaba Antenna 2″.
Back in the day, dope dealers used pay phones and pagers. Then came cell phones with multiple SIM cards. Next there were disposable cell phones and soon, it was an assortment of text messages, picture messages, and emails.
Eventually they caught on to encrypted emails. All the while, they used code systems to ensure that even if their messages were discovered/intercepted, they still had to be translated/deciphered.
But why didn’t they ever quit using cell phones and laptops and switch to a big-ass communication network similar to the one used by the U.S. military in Afghanistan? You know, camouflaged radio towers, antennas, repeaters, etc. — strewn hundreds of miles over mountains and desert wasteland?
Come to find out, that’s how they play south of the border, my friend:
Yippykaijay has written and lectured on this topic for several years now. References to his ideals have appeared in magazines, trade journals, periodicals, and on the world-wide web. Here is his latest:
Women are quick to assign the term “fat” to their selves and others. I am perturbed by this fact. Thus, after years of research, I have developed the “TMF 10 Level Guide to Fat Women” (Name your price, Cosmopolitan). I have identified 9 distinct categories used to describe a woman other than “fat”:
A Little Something Extra - Identified by areas of excess flesh around the upper arms and shoulders. In most cases, she will have departed from the “B” range in cup size OR she will have met a 32” waist size or greater.
Curvy - This is considered sexy in contemporary society. Breasts and ass are accentuated, pronounced, and fit very nicely into a tight-fitting shirt and/or a tight-ass pair of jeans. “C” cups only.
Voluptuous - This is where the flesh has spread from the breasts and ass and onto the torso. Still acceptable BUT also noticeable. Some might have a problem with this.
Thick - An increase in breast and ass size is necessary in order to compensate for increased thickness in the torso (belly) and legs. Same thing as “Voluptuous” but just more of it.
Phat - 40” plus. A term normally prescribed to women of color. Very sexy to those with a certain taste and appreciation for the finer things in life. Note that Young Money Entertainment has made millions of dollars off of songs dedicated to this level.
Big and Beautiful - Attractive, yet any male will have to admit that she is by no means small. He will need to be confident and gain comfort with her size. He will also need to identify other features (eyes, hair, skin tone, etc.) that outweigh (no pun intended) her size. Also a term normally prescribed to women of color.
Heavy - At this point, there is a serious question as to whether or not she would weigh more than her male counterpart. There is also a serious question as to whether or not she can be on top, although, some dudes like that kind of thing.
Chunky - Probably not a good thing if she can identify herself under this category. I would suggest she just go ahead and move on to level 9 or level 10.
Big Boned - Now I’m just being nice.
Fat
As I would categorize it, first is skinny and unclassified; second is #1 “A Little Something Extra”; third is #2 “Curvy” (and very sexy, I might add); fourth, although farther away, is probably #6 “Big and Beautiful” or #7 “Heavy”
