Archive

criminal fuckin’ conspiracies

Ahhhhhh! Head for the hills!

On second thought, don’t be too alarmed; this floating potato will just be staring at you from the headlines for the next couple days.

Meredith Lowell, of Cleveland Heights, Ohio now stands accused of holding such contempt for people that wear fur she allegedly sought the services of a hit-man … from Facebook.

Once terrorists/ALF liberators move beyond organizing in Facebook groups like Fundamentalist Terror Friendship Network and Budget Hitmen we might all be in deep shit. I suspect by day 3 in the clink she will be browsing Pinterest for hitmen to rub out the purveyors of this fine compendium.

The lesson here is the same as it is anywhere. Avoid Ohio.

How is it news when a UFC fighter gets in trouble for battery?

These guys get paid to destroy other human beings and anyone that gets in their way. Alistair Overeem apparently “shoved a woman in the face“ a few days after defeating Brock Lesnar. Sure, this sounds like a bull-shit charge right off the bat and its going to be dismissed but what do you expect?

Brock Lesnar —>

Any guy that can defeat someone like that and cause them to retire is a certified lunatic. If you are going to let these giants roam the streets, just know some people are going to get injured. And only a few days after the fight? That means he just started his new cycle of steroids. This is just another woman trying to make money off an athlete’s success, sound familiar Kobe? Seriously, it is like you would be surprised if Chong Li got in trouble for assaulting someone in in the streets.

Or so says Russian presidential “candidate” Vladimir Putin . . .

Let me ask you this: How are the recent flawed Duma elections tied to  The New START Treaty and the Dwight Howard trade?  Indeed, it’s an intricate web of complexities, decipherable only by a trained TMF correspondent.

“[T]he Arab Spring is coming to a neighborhood near you[!]“

From top left: U.S. President Barack Obama; New Jersey Nets owner and Independent Russian presidential candidate Mikhail Prokhorov; New Jersey Nets head coach Avery Johnson; Russian Prime Minister and United Russia presidential candidate Vladimir Putin; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard; Russian President Dmitry  Medvedev; NBA Commissioner David Stern.

February 5, 2011: The United States of America and the Russian Federation enter into The New START (Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty) as part of the Obama administration’s plan to reset relations with Russia.

April 13, 2011: New Jersey Nets finish the 2010-2011 NBA season at 24-58.  NBA lock out appears imminent.

May 16, 2011: Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov announces his plan to join the leadership of Russia’s Right Cause party.  He criticizes Russian President Dmitry Medvedev’s and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s tandem ruler-ship of Russia.

July 1, 2011: NBA announces lock out.

September 23, 2011: International Democrat Union suspends Right Cause’s associate member status.  Prokhorov resigns from Right Cause, indicating the party is a “puppet” organization of the Kremlin.

September 24, 2011: Dmitry Medvedev recommends the United Russia party nominate Vladimir Putin as their 2012 presidential candidate.  They do so.

November 23, 2011: Bloomberg: ‘Russia Prepares to “Destroy” U.S. Shield’; New York Times: ‘Russia Elevates Warning about U.S. Missile-Defense Plan in Europe:’

November 28, 2011: Russian state news agency: ‘Russia’s NATO Envoy to Visit China, Iran Over Missile Defense.’

December 4, 2011: Russia holds Duma parliamentary elections.  Allegations of mass fraud in favor of United Russia and Vladimir Putin are rampant.

December 7, 2011: Senator John McCain addresses his colleagues in the Senate:  He reports Dmitry Medvedev is threatening to deploy ballistic missiles to destroy U.S. missile systems in Europe.  He accuses Russia of conspiring with China and Iran to further such an aim.  He declares the New START Treaty to be a Russian blackmail device.

December 8, 2011: NBA players and owners ratify a new collective bargaining agreement.  Trade rumors involving Dwight Howard and the New Jersey Nets begin to circulate.

December 12, 2011: Prokhorov announces his candidacy for the Russian presidential office as an independent.

December 15, 2011: The Orlando Magic pull center Dwight Howard from the trade market.  New Jersey Nets head coach Avery Johnson says team plans to renew trade efforts in March of 2012.  The Russian presidential election happens to be scheduled for March 4, 2012.

December 16, 2011:  Vladimir Putin says John McCain is acting fucking INSANE right now.

NOTE: This continues to be a developing story.  Thus far, TMF has merely outlined the facts for our readers.  Further content in the way of high-pressure analysis and baseless speculation could be forthcoming.

I know the Sopranos is SO last decade and you hipsters are all about the here and now.  As cho_kettie aptly indicated, I’m about 10 years behind the times where I live.  Speaking of which, do you think Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or what?  I think he does. Should we embed a poll?

The Lorraine Calluzzo scene belongs right up there with the best of them (and by “them” I mean everything in the universe):

AND OH — BY THE WAY — NOT SAFE FOR WORK:

The following is a speculative, research-based piece. It is not an admission of guilt nor a manifestation of intent.

Pomeranian

(Alright, about a month ago I was talking to a group of guys from Indiana about how much money there would be in the dog kidnapping business:

  1. Most importantly, a dog can’t identify its kidnappers after the fact. Ever.
  2. Although it would be necessary to threaten to kill the dog, you wouldn’t have to actually kill it — you could just give it away to a kid.
  3. Law enforcement can only devote a limited amount of resources to stolen property ranging from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars in value. After all, there are sick people out there cops need to be going after.
  4. Dog owners will pay a fuck load to get their dog back. We’re talking $10,000 easy.
  5. Some dog owners have it coming anyways.

That’s all there is for now. Still ironing out a few details).