&mdash; too much fire

Pretty typical conversation between TMF desk-jockeys. Could be TMF’s next big venture.

cho_kettie: i think richard branson personally picks smokes to work for Virgin Airlines
pharro: i wouldn’t doubt it
cho_kettie: i flew to London on virgin
cho_kettie: and almost busted a nut when i came down the jet-way
pharro: dude they so need to have brothels in the sky…think about it
cho_kettie: brilliant
pharro : quick flight? how about a quick nut
pharro : boom
cho_kettie: boom…tag-line
cho_kettie: we’re literally marketing geniuses
pharro : should i call branson or should you
cho_kettie: i think he’d take the 212 area code more seriously
cho_kettie: call from your work phone
pharro : ill use the 212 to my advantage
cho_kettie: do it
cho_kettie: call him dick
cho_kettie: dick branson
pharro : HEY DICK, i have a marketing idea for you
pharro : how many sluts you know? get them on the runway right meow
cho_kettie: dude isn’t prostitution legal over international waters?
cho_kettie: imagine if they had an indicator light like they do for seat-belts that the pilot rings
cho_kettie: “you are now free to have sex and gamble”
cho_kettie: for money
pharro : ugh, last time i checked there’s no problem with fucking on an airplane, in-fact they just gave it a sweet fucking name and put you in a club
pharro : they need to give out pilots wings for that shit
cho_kettie: “Mile High Airlines”
cho_kettie: boom nailed it
cho_kettie: “Mile High Airlines … Let’s just say we won’t be flying you to Denver”
cho_kettie: book today!

lana del rey – the latest indie princess you’ll hate in 6 months

December 13, 2011

1957, or 2011?

So as part of maintaining sanity in Cublicle Monkeyville, one of my more enjoyable moments is getting e-mails from friends or surfing XM for some new music to get into. XMU is usually on the cutting edge, dishing me plenty of hipster jams straight outta’ Brooklyn and Silverlake.

Lately, it seems like the ‘trendsetters’ can’t stop talking about this chick Lana Del Rey. Basically, all I know about it her is that she uses a fake name, looks like she teleported here from the 1950s, has the backing of a ton of record industry executives, and has this whiny song called “Video Games” where she laments the fact her douchey boyfriend likes to play video games instead of commiserate with her — or something like that.

But regardless of what you think of her, one thing that’s guaranteed is that in six months or less (probably less) she’ll be the new face of indie and will appeal to all the brokenhearted, semi-hipster chicks who can’t understand why the boys play Call of Duty and masturbate all day instead of putting up with their nonsense. The wheels have already been set in motion, and this train ain’t stopping — even if three weeks ago nobody knew who Lana Del Rey was or where she came from.

Welcome to the new World of “The Next Best Thing.”

This excerpt from the G-Chat Registry sums it up well, and exhibits our cringing jadedness:

g-chat registry: hanging out with chicks sucks

September 29, 2011

no updates to the g-chat registry for awhile, so we’ll throw one in. this one was sent via story tip central at toomuchfire@gmail.com a few days ago….SEND MORE.

clam_newton: man i don’t wanna hang out with this chick tonight
i just wanna get ripped, do laundry and watch the sox blow it

o’doyle: ohh boy
the time is here, how to let her off gently
never never easy

clam_newton: yeah i’m not good at this either

o’doyle: your toast kiddo
fucked to the Nth degree
no one gets out of those situations unscaved
but my best to you sir

clam_newton: yeah this whole ‘exclusive’ thing just isn’t really my thing
i’d rather just beat off

o’doyle: you know what yuo need to do, just pull the trigger and it will be all over with

clam_newton: instead of deal with this

o’doyle: FIFA is here adn you dont hae the time

clam_newton: yeah i think at the end of the night i’m gonna have to just lay it on the line

o’doyle: be serious with yourself adn maybe more importatnyl with her

clam_newton: ”so i had a great time BUT…it’s over”
vaya con dios

o’doyle: adios muchacha
her hand jobs never amounted to what you can give yourself
no girls can
so either she opens wide or hits the curb
dont let my crusty sock hit you on the way out sweetie

clam_newton: well she’s actually good at head
but it’s not about any of that

clam_newton: it’s about me having to devote part of my life to pretending i’m intersted in anything besides hooking up

o’doyle: yeah i know just making light of it

clam_newton: yeah hand jobs blow though

o’doyle: cant devote, we havent even seen a footy match together yet, your too far from being devoted to anything but what you already have

clam_newton: yeah

o’doyle: devote yourself to a good porn routine

clam_newton: if i’m going to maintain my lifestyle of excess drinking/smoking/sports viewing, this just isn’t going to work out
sry hun

o’doyle: see thats the line there, it ust sums up everything your thinking and feeling
so like i said, dont let my crusty sock hit you on the way out…….you are the weakest link, GOOD BYE

clam_newton: hahah
i don’t think i’m cut out for relationships
i’m too much of a free spirit

o’doyle: you got (friend’s name redacted) blood in you

clam_newton: yeah…i need to be FREE
to drink whatever, whereever
on extremely short notice

o’doyle: wild horses run through your veins

g-chat registry — secret service attire

September 12, 2011

assman: who thought secret service agents shoudl wear suits vs. a t shirt and sweatpants
i can’t even sneeze unrestricted in a suit

art vandalay: hahahhaa
the govt needs more thinkers like you working for them

assman: instead of having 10 guys in suits you could have 5 guys in track pants and t shirts
and we’d have nasa researching how to insert some kidn of boner blocker for the track pants
just to be safe

art vandalay: hahahahaha
for sure
cause you know those guys are getting a woody every time they foil an assanation atempt

assman: who wouldnt
not to mention how many hot chicks you’d see in the south

art vandalay: seriously
nasa would be able to take care of that for sure

assman: like a quick liquid nitrogen spray that flash freezes your wang

art vandalay: yeah
they figured out how to make ice cream into a stiff solid
they can keep your wang noodly

boners in sweatpants seems to be a recurring theme here at TMF…maybe i’ll try it later.

thanks to hendu aka art vandalay for the transcript.

g-chat registry – hipster bicycle accidents

September 6, 2011

cho_kettie: sry we didn’t make it to TITS
toonie: yeah it was a good tiem for sure, but it all good….fuckign line was abnoxious
cho_kettie: we got to allston at 11 and it was a total shitshow…all the bars had lines, event he swill n sweat
althoguh we did see some hipster totally BITE IT super hard right in front of swill n sweat taking a hard right turn and just boooooom down for hte count
on his bicycle
toonie: ahahahahahah, drunk biking = torn tight jeans….
cho_kettie: yeah try tight jorts
good thing his keys were attached to his belt buckle with a 300 lb test carribeaner
toonie: fagsters
cho_kettie: otherwise they would’ve been 400 yds down allston st
toonie: yeah just in case he find himself in a position where he needs to repel down a cliff face r soemthing
cho_kettie: oh god the hipsters in front of swill n sweat…you could tell it was tough for them to see one of their own publicly embarassed like that
i bet they brought him a PBR to help heal the wounds
toonie: yeah for sure, bought him a tall pbr draft…only the best for a fallen comrade

another hilarious time-wasting conversation in the g-chat nation. if you’ve got some funny g-stuff, send it our way: toomuchfire@gmail.com

g-chat registry – examining the correlation between free food and weight of free food consumers

August 17, 2011