Joe Lunardi here. you may remember me from such espn shows as bracketology 2012 and bracketology 2011! Why do I only do one ESPN show a year? Well, this may answer your question:
I’m fuckin ugly!
But seriously guys, I know my NCAA tournament. I’ve successfully been able to predict who might make the tournament with 45% accuracy. just to be clear, this isn’t predicting who will WIN the NCAA tourney, this is just to get into it.
What’s that? Who the fuck cares who gets in? Hmm. I guess I never really thought of that. Anyway, if you do care, I got a hot tip on a team I think is going to sneak in this year as an “At Large” bid. They hail from the Developing Major Conference belt, the LRA CONFERENCE, which is located in the small western rural town of Uganda, and this might be their year. Presenting:
THE JOSEPH KONY UNIVERSITY GUERILLAS
POINTS PER GAME 61.9 279th OVERALL
REBOUNDS PER GAME 32.4 184th OVERALL
ASSISTS PER GAME 11.1 228th OVERALL
FIELD GOAL PCT .438 178th OVERALL
Joseph Kony, the university’s founder/coach, has been commended for his leadership skills, on and off the court. Here he is pictured after a close victory against the Uganda People’s Democratic Army, sporting his famous “even kill” demeanor:
They say no man is an island, but KONY truly is an island, building this program from the ground up. Back in the late 90s, this squad wasn’t considered a major player in the Developing Conferences, but when KONY switched tactics from sprinkling holy water on people to killing people, they became a dominant force in less than a decade. The world took notice last year when they were featured on an expose by a weird closeted gay dude, and like all internet phenomenons, a backlash ensued. people all over were posting about KONY, and the powers that be threatened to dismantle the program.
However, it turns out that facebook statuses don’t mean shit, and KONY is still at large and more of a threat than ever to make a run in this year’s tournament. sporting an impressive core of upper classmen, I believe they have what it takes.
Raska Lukwiya, Power Forward
Age: 15. Height: 6′ 9″ Wight: 192
Unique Trait: shoots with two hands
What can be said about Lukwiya that hasn’t been said already? He’s got discipline, fortitude, and plays like he’s got nothing to lose. He’s totally bought into KONY’s program at KONY U. A true soldier.
Okot Odhiambo, Point Guard
Age: 12. Height: 6′ 2″ Wight: 145
Unique Trait: Does really good Channing Tatum impression.
you hear it every game “SHOOT OKUT, SHOOT OKUT.” for such a talented marksman, the only knock against this rising star is his reluctance to pull the trigger. The youngest of the five starters, he can only get more confident as he gains experience.
Dominic Ongwen, Shooting Guard
Age: 14. Height: 6′ 5″ Wight: 160
Unique Trait: Can shoot while high.
One thing coach KONY stresses is sacrifice, and Dominic has taken that notion to heart. the only transfer in the starting five, he’s had to prove he belongs. and there’s no better way to do that than leaving it all out there, blood sweat and tears, for the collective.
Vincent Otti, Small Forward
Age: 15. Height: 6′ 7″ Wight: 175
Unique Trait: trash talk is fire.
A defensive specialist, Vincent guards his post like a motherfucker. there ain’t NOBODY gettin’ through him. if his D doesn’t fluster you, his trash talk will. one time he defended an opposing team’s star player the entire game. the player ended up with zero points, five fouls, and committed suicide after the game. it might have been murder though. whatever.
Jason Russell, Center
Age: 34. Height: 5′ 11″ Wight: 180
Unique Trait: INSANE SKILLZ
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? Jason tried his best to take down KONY U’s guerillas last year, and in doing so, ended up naked pounding the sidewalk and was taken to a mental institution. it was a sad day for his supporters, but a good lesson for everyone to learn: if you see fraud and don’t say fraud, you are a fraud.
Jason finally settled down and realized that if his organization actually DID something to catch KONY instead of making youtube videos and fundraising for his stupid church organization, then the money train would end. therefore, he decided to join team KONY. sure, it looks like he’s still trying to bring him down, but you can’t stop a tide with a spoon. KONY however, will forgive any grievances if someone wants to join the cause. despite being just 5′ 11″, jason is the centerpiece of this squad.
There you have it folks. This might be the year for KONY. KONY 2012 who? KONY 2013 all day, er day. I’m joe lunardi, toodles!