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Two people got hit by two separate trains today. In suburban Philadelphia.

Livingood said the train’s engineer saw the teen and blew the horn. The youth continued to walk, either not hearing the horn due to the headphones, or hearing it but expecting the train to pass him safely on the outbound track.

Now, trains are really cool. They look awesome, they can go super fast, and you can drink on them. It’s always sad, then, when a sweet, well-meaning train barrels someone down. It’s not like those accidents are rare, either. My family in Eastern Europe has a history of being hit by trains — no joke. But, I never really understood how people get hit by trains. It’s not like a train suddenly appears; you have multiple backup systems that are there to prevent you from being hit by a train, and to let you know that a train is coming. For instance:

1. You can see a train coming. Unless you are blind or it is coming straight up behind you and you are standing in the middle of the tracks, which — why were you doing that in the first place?!

2. You can hear a train coming. Trains make a pretty distinguishable noise, and they have a horn, and they’re actually really loud when they’re approaching. And then, even if you’re visually and aurally impaired…

3. You can feel a train coming. Vibrations, no need to say more.

And even if your backup systems fail and you somehow only have several seconds to get out of harm’s way, you can do just that — move. Get out of the way.

Seriously people, stop getting hit by trains.

Homemade shotgun hidden in the hollowed-out shell of a plastic Super Soaker

exhibit A

Depending on your location summer has arrived for the most part.  Girls dress like sluts and the beer flows like wine.  It’s not the worst time of the year by any measure.  But all is not well.  The problem with summer is that kids won’t stay off your goddamned lawn.  One man boldly took this problem head-on created a pretty fire weapon (exhibit A).  Your eyes do not deceive: it’s a shotgun/super soaker, often found at shadier Toys R Us locations.  Right when the kids think they’re about to get playfully doused…WHAM-O.  Fertilizer.  That’ll show ‘em.

 

Stay off my lawn.

 

(story/picture courtesty ktla)

While browsing through CNN trying to get a grip on what’s happening in the world, I’m mostly kept abreast with the most pertinent information.

Last week, I learned why Beyonce gave her kid some dogshit name. And just today I was put in the know about how Titanic 3D is everything we could hope for. Unless it’s Titanic 2: Two Hours of Billy Zane Talking I’ll stay home. Actually scratch that; someone already had the sand to make Titanic 2.

But I digress. As I went on looking for news that might make me sound more intelligent in conversation, I ran across a BBC article that really just cuts through the bullshit and gets down to the facts I care about:

So thank you BBC. I’ll keep my eyes out next for Why Mexicans Love Swimming With All Their Clothes On and Why Asians Drive Like Helen Keller. On that note I’ll be creating an article of my own over the next few weeks: Why White People Like to Get Shithouse-Drunk and Ejected from Baseball Games.

Ed. – This is the first article from our newest contributor, spontaneouscombustion. Ironically, his first article is about gas, which happens to combust, although not always spontaneously. Anyway, tell us what you think in the comment section.

So I log in to Facebook this morning, and see this picture plastered around, liked over a million times, and shared by thousands.

Please tell me we aren’t this fucking stupid? Are we? Don’t get me wrong, I hate high gas prices as much as the next person. I’m at the point where I wear a condom when I go tank up just to protect myself while I’m getting fucked. But this is the solution we come up with? Let me use some simple mathematics and logic to explain why this won’t work.

For easy math purposes, let’s say that on each day, a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, a particular gas company makes $2 million per day. Added up, that’s $6 million in sales over the course of three days.

Now say we live in this perfect, delusional, vacuum of a world where there are unicorns and everlasting gobstoppers, and no one goes to get gas on Wednesday. Does that mean these people are going to stop driving? Hells no. That means they are tanking up either the day before or the day after. The law of averages says half the people go on Tuesday which means sales would be $3 million, $0 in sales on Wednesday, and then the other half go on Thursday making $3 million in sales there. Added up, that makes an astonishing $6 million in sales over the course of the 3 day period. Holy shit! That’s exactly what it would be if people tanked up all 3 days!

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WE GOT HIM FOLKS!!!! JASON RUSSELL!!

FULL STORY HERE

I bet you know where he wants to stick these fingers.

So basically this dude was caught jerkin it in public. Running around in his underwear and shit needing to go to the hospital.

SOUNDS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I PLAN ON DOING TOMORROW.

I’LL MEET YOU IN PRISON BRO!

Dude gets famous from a YouTube video and thinks he’s fucking Lindsay Lohan? Come on dude get your shit together. I wonder how you are going to explain this one to your little blonde haired kid.

Thanks to Tim, my Friday source of info.

So all I’ve seen on Facebook since last night is shit about this Ugandan war criminal Joseph Kony. Agreed he is a douchebag but everyone is going about this the wrong way. The Invisible Children people are just trying to make more money and get their name out there along with spreading the word about Kony. Noble cause but wrong plan of action. My question is if he is this bad – why arrest him? The guy needs to be killed. He’s not going to go peacefully for an arrest and is likely going to take out even more kids with him. This is where the call for Gary Faulkner comes in:

You know Gary – you might not think you do, but you do. He is the crazy guy from Colorado who tried to sneak into Afghanistan to kill Osama Bin Laden. A plane ticket to Uganda is roughly $15,000. Small price to pay for justice. Lets get on the right side of this movement and send Gary Faulkner to Uganda to kill this bastard and get the glory he wants and will deserve.

The call from Obama should go like this:

“Gary, this is Barack. Sorry about not letting you get Osama buddy – the SEALs beat you to it. We have another mission for you – his name is Joseph Kony. He hates children and thinks you’re a pussy. Your flight leaves tomorrow. Godspeed.”

And Faulkner-Faulkner 2012?

We should be really ambitious and speed this process up and send Dr. Noah Faulkner with some of his exploding coconuts from Bio-Dome to aid Gary:

Faulkner-Faulkner 2012. Do it.