online dating

I am sure you’re familiar with playing pranks on your co-workers. If not, then find a fucking job because living in your parents basement isn’t the way to go.

I got it pretty good this time. I think it’s the most serious prank I’ve had played on me in years.

I got signed up for a Jewish dating site, obviously without my knowledge, in the hopes to find me a ~~nice wholesome~~ Jewish girl. Side note: I did the Jew dance once, I’m not doing it again. So I have NO idea what any of the things on a Jewish dating website mean. A bunch of words I’ve never seen, can’t spell, and can’t even pronounce.

For instance, the below is a screenshot from my marriage pre-proposal. Since the copy and paste function is a strong point of mine, I’ll help out my fellow non-Jews. Shidduchim is a system of matchmaking in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another in Orthodox Jewish communities for the purpose of marriage. (From Wikipedia)

hi there,

i see your involved in shidduchim, i was wondering if i can send you my shidduch profile as will be in ny july 5-16

This is Allison

If you have any hope for humanity, do not sign up for online dating. Our beautiful correspondent Allison learned this the hard way. Below is her inbox of messages from potential suitors and her depressing commentary on the status of human males.

1. Wow, never married, no kids – like me. Wonder if they’ll put us in a zoo some day? Jeff MePlusUequals2 46, Tampa, FL, US. Seeking women 18-121

*** WE ARE SO SIMILAR. So glad I found a guy I have SO much in common with — clearly at the same stage in life. Twenty-two, never married and no kids. Lock me up in a zoo already with this winner. 121? Dead or Alive?

2. Hey there! I’m still not even sure how to start these emails out lol. apparently this site thinks we’ll be a good match and it put your profile in my “match of the day” lol so i said why not, i’ll just jot down a quick email and say hi, and i see you/re online right now . i’m just procrastinating going to the gym, usually I go after work but I need a break last night after a crazy week! (thank god for 24hours xsports !) I cant believe this weather we’re having, i feel like I’m still in Florida! i just got back from visiting my brother in Miami and really miss that 85 degree weather, and the beach too! That ocean water was so warm, i miss getting pushed over by those waves and walking in that sand on south beach! On a sadder note i just got rear ended the other night on my lunch break from work, there goes my 16 year perfect record! okay well sorry for chatting your ear off. let me know if you like to “chat” sometime. Take care -smile- Michael _lastOfTheGood1s

***A quick email ending with chatting your ear off. Get your shit together — all over the place. If you have to bring up the weather in an EMAIL, we have nothing in common. Move along.

3. Greetings. Your positively absolutely stunningly beautiful smile and passionate profile captivated me. Even though I am a more older gentleman and just an Average Joe Palooka I have to introduce myself. My name is Patrick and have been back in my hometown of the near nw side for over five years after living in southern CA for a few and am a smart, sophisticated, educated and sensual 48 years old (Birthday on St Patricks Day) Italian American Gentleman. Stand 5’10″, weigh 200lbs with wavy brown hair and blue-green eyes; have been told I am attractive and nobody has ever gotten violently physically ill after meeting up with me. Having recently started my new career in upper management for an international corp I am focused on personal goals for the new year of the new decade that include developing an intimate loving relationship with a wonderfully beautiful and sensual intelligent woman. Since I play guitar am partial to the blues, classic rock and jazz fusion type bands but love all styles of music. With a wide variety of interests and activities I am sure that we could find some common passions to share with each other. Hopefully you are open to corresponding with me. Pictures, DNA Samples, Serious Romance and Serious Spoiling available upon request. Ciao….. Patrick BADMONKEY1A age: 48, seeking women 30-55

—too much fire

can we get much fire? sooo fiiiiire…

Archive

looks like I’m getting married soon

dying a slow death on match.com