Archive

opines

A$AP Rocky’s F*#^in’ Problems

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December 10, 2012
hot shit, music, opines
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A$AP and the gang recently released the official music video for ‘Fuckin Problem’ ft Drake, 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar, and I just watched it. Of course I watched it. I had to watch it. Look at that lineup. But like pretty much else everything in life, I was skeptical.

But bro…its a$ap…

Yeah I know. The guy has a pretty impressive resume. If you wanna talk a$ap, then I’ll happily discuss how great LiveLoveA$AP was/still is. But if you tell me that the guy is gonna be all over the radio with Drake? and 2 Chainz? before he even released an album?

I’d say maybe it’s time to pump the brakes. Think about where we are in our careers. How far we’ve come…how far we must go. Then I’d hide in my room, smoke weed all day, and write my debut album…and it would be glorious. Because I don’t doubt his talent.

But here we go. Let’s watch this thing together shall we?

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Bear Grylls vs. Jeremy Wade

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July 17, 2012
opines, television
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The two juggernauts of an otherwise pretty slackjaw’d Animal Planet/Discover Channel lineup. Is there room for two outdoor shows on a cable platform that is becoming increasingly diluted by 16-year-old pregnant girls debating with their baby-daddies about what they’re going to name the next one? I think yes, yes there is plenty of goddamn room..but apparently there isn’t. Like any situation involving two greats on a single platform, it’s time we decide who is Batman, and who is the gay counterpart in yellow tights.

OUR TALE OF THE TAPE

BEAR GRYLLS
A swash buckling, knife whistling Eagle Scout.

Ex British Special Forces, Grylls plays hardball. After breaking his back in a sky-diving accident in Zambia, Grylls was told he may never walk again. 18 months later Grylls climbed Everest. Grylls has several black-belts and once crossed the Atlantic Ocean in an inflatable raft.

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Fifty Shades of SHUT THE FUCK UP

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July 12, 2012
boners, opines, uncategorized
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I learned about Fifty Shades of Gray through people talking about it, and through the internet. I heard it being openly discussed at work and I’ve seen it read in public, at malls, on park benches. I assumed it was another Twilight or Hunger Games or something like that. Well, nope:

 “Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?”

My bad, it’s porn! Or erotica, or whatever else you want to call it, but any way you play it (or read it), it’s got some pretty pornographic content. I have no problem with porn (at least not ethically; I do have a problem with most porn being profoundly lame). And to those of us who are children of the internet, who have already watched Asian women shoot little live eels out of their ass by the time we are ready for breakfast, Fifty Shades of Gray is child’s play. That is, likely, why it’s actually become so popular, and where I’ll give it a little credit. In a world of porn that is horrifically unsexy to many women (franken-boobs, thong tan-lines on greasy men, moaning that sounds like Skrillex getting eaten by a bear), Fifty Shades of Gray is more subdued, accessible and sensual.

However, just because it’s fairly tame doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get some panties seriously wet.

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15 minutes of fame hall of fame

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May 13, 2012
opines
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What we have here…

is a list of people who got real famous real quick, and then evaporated even quicker. Most of these guys/gals disappear because they fuck up somewhere along the line and end up on a hotel balcony with a belly full of booze and a head full of ‘cid just a few short months later… Metaphorically, of course.

The following people are, in my opinion, the most interesting/stupid of them all. I’ll share a video/picture of why they rose, and will follow up with a short explanation of why most people/me decided to cast them aside.

Corey Worthington and his biblical house party

This guy. Corey Worthington, the 16 year-old Australian phenom went instant-legend after throwing a party of epic proportions at his parents house while they were out of town. Tons of people show up, shit gets fucked up, yada yada yada. If I were a betting man, which I am, I’d put a few clams on the party not actually being that cool.

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i’m done with baseball

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May 4, 2012
opines, sports / deportes
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oh great, another pitching cha.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Obviously all you seamheads out there are already incensed, so let me preface this by saying I used to be a huge baseball fan. I played Little League, I collected baseball cards, I’ve been to at least one Sox game every year since 1994, and I still watch baseball on the reg.

But after much soul-searching and self-realization, I’ve decided baseball sucks and I’m done with it. Basball is dying a slow death and will be irrelevant before our days are done on this Earth — that much I’m sure of.

There are many reasons behind this, which I will outline after the jump:

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calling gary faulkner

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March 7, 2012
"news", opines
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So all I’ve seen on Facebook since last night is shit about this Ugandan war criminal Joseph Kony. Agreed he is a douchebag but everyone is going about this the wrong way. The Invisible Children people are just trying to make more money and get their name out there along with spreading the word about Kony. Noble cause but wrong plan of action. My question is if he is this bad – why arrest him? The guy needs to be killed. He’s not going to go peacefully for an arrest and is likely going to take out even more kids with him. This is where the call for Gary Faulkner comes in:

You know Gary – you might not think you do, but you do. He is the crazy guy from Colorado who tried to sneak into Afghanistan to kill Osama Bin Laden. A plane ticket to Uganda is roughly $15,000. Small price to pay for justice. Lets get on the right side of this movement and send Gary Faulkner to Uganda to kill this bastard and get the glory he wants and will deserve.

The call from Obama should go like this:

“Gary, this is Barack. Sorry about not letting you get Osama buddy – the SEALs beat you to it. We have another mission for you – his name is Joseph Kony. He hates children and thinks you’re a pussy. Your flight leaves tomorrow. Godspeed.”

And Faulkner-Faulkner 2012?

We should be really ambitious and speed this process up and send Dr. Noah Faulkner with some of his exploding coconuts from Bio-Dome to aid Gary:

Faulkner-Faulkner 2012. Do it.

Encounters with worthless people: The WeeMan story

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March 4, 2012
opines
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Take a couple seconds and try to think of the most worthless person on television.

Odds are you landed on this guy.

WeeMan. The comedic/midget relief in mtv’s really stupid show, Jackass. He himself is not funny. He’s never had any funny lines. All he ever says is, “ohhhhh duudddee.” He just does things that are funny because they’re being done by a really small and funny looking human. Isn’t that the definition of a midget? A really small and funny looking human. The fact we all have to force down is that WeeMan is famous and we’re not. Which sucks.

But at the core, he’s still just a really small and funny looking human.

So one night I had an encounter with little WeeMan. It didn’t go very well. That could be because when called upon, WeeMan couldn’t convince me that he’s the ‘crazy motherfucker’ that we all think he is. It could also be because this encounter went down on the night of my 21st birthday.

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