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social media nonsense

In one week, 72 million views on YouTube, 350,000 favorites, the statistics speak for themselves. By now anyone with an internet connection and Facebook account is surely aware of Invisible Children’s latest viral sensation: Kony 2012.

I instinctively was very skeptical of the Kony 2012 Campaign as soon as I began seeing people who usually flood my Facebook news feed with meaningless tidbits about the monotony of everyday life or the newest “it” meme all of the sudden posting about the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) and Ugandan youth.

Begrudgingly, I finally obliged to watch the 30 minute video; after all, that is all the 40 people sharing the link and Invisible Children were asking for, right?

Through some power skimming, I learned that the idea of Kony 2012 was to turn the leader and man behind the LRA, Joseph Kony, into a household name through the increasingly powerful social media medium. The LRA, by the way, is a paramilitary organization that largely survives by invading villages to abduct children; forcing the boys to become soldiers and using girls as sex slaves.

In essence, the video profiles Jacob, a Ugandan boy who was featured in Invisible Children’s namesake first film and whose brother was killed by the LRA — with cut scenes to a cute blonde child who can point out the “bad man” that makes him “sad,” some footage from the original film, glossy “indie” editing, and lots of white, presumably, charitable people.

What further piqued my interest and disdain for seeing these postings was the fact that I spent the summer and fall of 2009 backpacking through Sub-Saharan Africa; living in many of the villages in rural Uganda and Sudan where the LRA operated. Some of my most poignant and touching moments of the trip were speaking with people in these remote villages outside of Juba or Kampala.

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All I seem to be seeing on the Internet and Faceland walls the past few weeks is everyone’s own “Shit _____ Says” video.

I believe this started with a guy who started a Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says.” Little did he know at that time that the legion of brain-dead social media-worshippers who’ve contributed little to society would have a field day with this, with each adding their own unique touch of jokes that you probably don’t get or understand cause you weren’t in our clique.

You know this has reached epic lamestreamness when even Pepperdine’s insulated student body ditches the next GLEE rehersal to for the latest stupid Internet “meme,” or whatever the fuck hitching a ride on other people’s ideas is called now, to cross-dress and spit out every stupid inside joke that has been passed around the student body for years.

But every new Internet sensation needs a classification, a hashtag, an identifier so people can totally relate. What can we call this movement? I’ve got a few ideas, complete with hashtags so you can Twitter the shit out of your new “Shit My Cat Says” video…

  • #shitwave
  • #shitstream
  • #thepooptroop


What are you missing? Nothing really. Unless you count everything, ol’ Facebook friend of mine.

But I see your point, Football players are way too tough to be raped, or at least they should be. So, with that in mind, we have to add it to our rape rankings:

  1. Bike Rape.
  2. College Football Player Rape.

Thanks for pointing it out for us. By the way, I’m pretty sure I have no legal obligation to blur out these names, but I’m a reasonable guy.

So with every important holiday, the collection of self-righteous assholes comes out on the social networks — i.e. the enablers of the culture of laziness in this country.

I mean, why actually volunteer at a homeless veterans shelter or SIGN UP for the military yourself when you can just write a 30 word post to your own friends — 99% of whom would never think twice about serving — about how awesome our veterans are and how GREAT America is?

While most of the Faceland sheep may read “Thank You Veterans!” and think “AWWW….he’s so socially-aware and concerned,” I read, “Thank you Veterans for doing what we’re too lazy and rich to do.”

God Bless America Indeed.

People just can’t admit they have shitty jobs. Here at TMF we’re pretty open about it, or at least cho-kettie and pharro are. My job is fire. But all day long I see status messages that completely mask the fact that everyone works in a vanilla office with a computer, a kitchen, and one or two bathrooms.

This is a war room:

"We got him sir"


This is the “war room” people post on their status to look cool:

"So, what's next on the agenda, terrorist Ali Atwa?

As far as the “other hyperbole” goes, I’ll get back to you. Just wanted to get this one out before I do some actual work. It’s not like anyone is reading anything besides PSU scandal posts anyway.

stop inviting me to shitHere’s a thought experiment: Add up all the money and time you’ve spent going to your “creative” friends’ concerts, plays, art shows, and charity events. Got it? Now add up how much time and money they’ve spent going to shit you do. Alrightsweet. My answer is a lot to fucking nothing, chances are you came up with the same thing. Where is the goddamn reciprocation? In college I asked my musician friends to come to my math final and watch me take it. They thought I was joking. Well, fuck them. I thought maybe at age 26 people would stop asking me to come to their shit, mostly because I figured by now they’d have given up their dreams. Nope. Assholes still sending me Facebook invites and I’m sick of it. As of right now, I will not support another local band, theater performance, charity event or art show until all of those people participate in…

TMF’s WEEK OF ME: A ONE MAN SHOW.

This event is mandatory.

MONDAY:

7am:             Watch me stand in line at the DMV to try and avoid a smog check

8am:             Watch me jerk off before work.

12pm:           Watch me read fantasy football analysis while I stuff a burger                                                                        down my throat.

3pm:             Watch me in another jerk off session. This time during work.

4pm:             Watch me talk on gchat with people about how much life sucks.

5pm:             Watch me sit in traffic and yell racist things inside my own car.

6pm:             Watch me watch TV.

7pm:             Watch me eat Subway and complain about how shitty Subway is.

730pm:         Watch me start drinking.

8pm:             Watch me try to think of ideas for this shitty website.

815pm:         Watch me say “fuck it” and play video games.

9pm:             Watch me unsuccessfully try to get laid.

11pm:           Watch me pass out while unsuccessfully trying to jerk off.

TUESDAY THROUGH SUNDAY:

Pretty much the same thing as Monday.

If you’re truly a good friend, you’d come. If not I’m going to guilt trip you every time I see you and make backhanded jokes about how you didn’t come to my show, and then say “no, I’m just kidding it’s fine.” See you there! xoxo J

facebook circa 2004 - before the f'ing sideshow began

mark zuckerface had his F8 conference today, which makes me think more of a huge fucking tornado than some website where you brag to friends about how awesome your life is.

anyway, aside from moving his hands around a bunch to show off his new public speaking bravado, he introduced all these wacky new features and integration with the sinking ship that is netflix, seemingly to achieve two things: 1) spying/creeping the shit out of you even more than before, and 2) taking over the entire internet/world, cause clearly the estimated $2 billion they’ll be raking in this year is obviously not sufficient.

this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back as far as me and my rocky relationship with faceland are concerned. the gripes are a’plenty — mostly about how people try to convince you they’re the SHIT when in reality it’s actually ME that doesn’t give a shit: about your new job, your birthday, your new business venture, your DJ events 3,000 miles away, pictures from the trips to europe on your parents dime, or your check-in at the waffle house…I DON’T CARE. either post some shit that’s legit original/funny or get out of my face….and i’m not talking about G-rated funny either.

sadly, there was a time when i did care about these things, and i’m pretty sure it was before facebook made sure you felt like a dipshit if you didn’t care.

all in all, i miss the 2004 facebook, when only the elite college students like ourselves were invited, and all we did in our exclusive club was creep on new freshmen and talk about how WASTED we got last night. back then it was fresh, it was cool and it was god damn SIMPLE. there were no consequences for acting the fool. now you get fucking fired for saying the wrong thing and are always bending over backwards on monday, deleting this and untagging that, to make sure the entire world doesn’t know you went on a bender all weekend.

but it was the simplicity that was the best part. the only shit you had to look at was a picture, some location info and basic interests. now i feel like i’m watching one of those gigantic stock ticker walls at the New York Stock Exchange. ENOUGH!

so vaya con dios faceland…just like madden introducing hot routes and all that other unnecessary BS, you tried too damn hard.