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the apocalypse

i like my explanation better

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April 18, 2012
the apocalypse
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After four straight grueling days of working on an outline, the inherent stress of the deadline gave me a zit on my cheek. As you know, I think zits rule, but what has always bothered me is the explanation for why zits occur. Here’s WebMD:

acne, or acne vulgaris, is a skin problem that starts when oil and dead skin cells clog up your pores.

Wait, the fuck? If that’s true, why isn’t every fucking pore clogged and zitted out? Oil is all over your face. Also, why is there a complete randomness to the locations of zits, and why the hell, if all it takes it a clogged pore, is one pore clogged that is .00000000001 mm away from the pore next to it that isn’t clogged? I think this is bullshit, and when I was younger I came up with a much better explanation of why zits occur.

ZITS ARE FOR SINNERS

STOP SINNING YOU GODDAMN DEVIL BABY

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are we headed toward idiocracy?

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February 1, 2012
opines, the apocalypse
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If you haven’t seen the movie cinematic masterpiece Idiocracy, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. For those informed individuals, I came across a disturbing realization this weekend … society as depicted in the film is where we are heading.

I was waiting at the mechanic’s while having some routine work done and the TV was on TruTV. I watched for a few minutes and was mildly entertained at all the morons crashing their cars or not opening parachutes in time and then being interviewed about “how awesome” the experience was.

Then it hit me….TruTV is the closest thing to “OWW MY BALLS” I have ever seen:

We are actually celebrating idiocy and putting it on television for people to tune in to.

When the show came back from commercials was when I really became startled. It wasn’t a one-time show, this was a super special “World’s Dumbest” (actual name of the show). So I decided to investigate and go to their webpage. Well, turns out there’s a reason that people keep sending in these videos…$100!!!!!

Holy shit, $100? No way — It used to be if you could answer what color grass was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire you got $100, now all you have to do is survive a near death experience while your hillbilly friends videotape it and laugh about it. Not a bad deal.

So what other quality shows are on TruTV? More after the jump…

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“john mccain is acting fucking INSANE right now”

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December 16, 2011
criminal fuckin' conspiracies, political sewer, sports / deportes, the apocalypse
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Or so says Russian presidential “candidate” Vladimir Putin . . .

Let me ask you this: How are the recent flawed Duma elections tied to  The New START Treaty and the Dwight Howard trade?  Indeed, it’s an intricate web of complexities, decipherable only by a trained TMF correspondent.

“[T]he Arab Spring is coming to a neighborhood near you[!]“

From top left: U.S. President Barack Obama; New Jersey Nets owner and Independent Russian presidential candidate Mikhail Prokhorov; New Jersey Nets head coach Avery Johnson; Russian Prime Minister and United Russia presidential candidate Vladimir Putin; Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard; Russian President Dmitry  Medvedev; NBA Commissioner David Stern.

February 5, 2011: The United States of America and the Russian Federation enter into The New START (Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty) as part of the Obama administration’s plan to reset relations with Russia.

April 13, 2011: New Jersey Nets finish the 2010-2011 NBA season at 24-58.  NBA lock out appears imminent.

May 16, 2011: Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov announces his plan to join the leadership of Russia’s Right Cause party.  He criticizes Russian President Dmitry Medvedev’s and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s tandem ruler-ship of Russia.

July 1, 2011: NBA announces lock out.

September 23, 2011: International Democrat Union suspends Right Cause’s associate member status.  Prokhorov resigns from Right Cause, indicating the party is a “puppet” organization of the Kremlin.

September 24, 2011: Dmitry Medvedev recommends the United Russia party nominate Vladimir Putin as their 2012 presidential candidate.  They do so.

November 23, 2011: Bloomberg: ‘Russia Prepares to “Destroy” U.S. Shield’; New York Times: ‘Russia Elevates Warning about U.S. Missile-Defense Plan in Europe:’

November 28, 2011: Russian state news agency: ‘Russia’s NATO Envoy to Visit China, Iran Over Missile Defense.’

December 4, 2011: Russia holds Duma parliamentary elections.  Allegations of mass fraud in favor of United Russia and Vladimir Putin are rampant.

December 7, 2011: Senator John McCain addresses his colleagues in the Senate:  He reports Dmitry Medvedev is threatening to deploy ballistic missiles to destroy U.S. missile systems in Europe.  He accuses Russia of conspiring with China and Iran to further such an aim.  He declares the New START Treaty to be a Russian blackmail device.

December 8, 2011: NBA players and owners ratify a new collective bargaining agreement.  Trade rumors involving Dwight Howard and the New Jersey Nets begin to circulate.

December 12, 2011: Prokhorov announces his candidacy for the Russian presidential office as an independent.

December 15, 2011: The Orlando Magic pull center Dwight Howard from the trade market.  New Jersey Nets head coach Avery Johnson says team plans to renew trade efforts in March of 2012.  The Russian presidential election happens to be scheduled for March 4, 2012.

December 16, 2011:  Vladimir Putin says John McCain is acting fucking INSANE right now.

NOTE: This continues to be a developing story.  Thus far, TMF has merely outlined the facts for our readers.  Further content in the way of high-pressure analysis and baseless speculation could be forthcoming.

saturday night rant #1 (the original version)

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November 20, 2011
fuck me?, fuck you, the apocalypse, the arts
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“Come writers and critics.  Who prophesize with your pen.”

Here’s my deal: I bring the fire.  I make flames rain down from the motherfuckin’ sky.  They call me “Shotgun” because I pop that shit off in your face.  (Personally, I refer to it as my blow torch). Meanwhile, your bitch-ass thinks it’s Dooms Day!  KA-BOOM!!!

I can’t wait for Dooms Day.  I’ll be whiskey drunk in a bar singing “Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.”  Settin’ ‘em up and knockin’ ‘em down . . .  and laughing my ass off . . . because what the hell?  It’s Dooms Day.  Not like I’m gonna be hung over the next morning . . .

. . . I’ll tell ya, I’d kill for some fuckin’ culture in this town.  I mean, if I went around asking, “You ever heard of Simon and Garfunkel?”  Jesus, how long would that take?

Fuck me?  You said fuck me?  Oh, okay . . . WELL FUCK YOU!

These kids — I run into some who were born post-1990.  And they’re old enough to drink!  I don’t have an ounce of respect for any person that didn’t live at least one day in the 1980′s.

Reminds me of when I used to drink at the Doom Room (speaking of Dooms Day — it might’ve come and gone already — ever since they shut down that joint — is this hell?  Am I in hell?  Yeah, I’m in HELL).  But some of the older patrons at the Doom Room used to say something to the effect of, “You can talk to me when you’ve been comin’ to this bar FOR 30 YEARS!”  Ha-Ha!  I’ll bet they didn’t have an ounce of respect for any person that didn’t live at least one day in the 1960′s.

Until next time, listen to Frank Zappa Radio on Pandora, serve cheap champagne to your guests and tell them it’s the good shit, leave the toilet like you found it and, uh,  stay hot!