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the depth chart

tmf’s guide to “fat” women

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December 20, 2011
attractive females, the depth chart
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Yippykaijay has written and lectured on this topic for several years now.  References to his ideals have appeared in magazines, trade journals, periodicals, and on the world-wide web.  Here is his latest:  

Women are quick to assign the term “fat” to their selves and others.  I am perturbed by this fact.  Thus, after years of research, I have developed the “TMF 10 Level Guide to Fat Women”  (Name your price, Cosmopolitan).  I have identified 9 distinct categories used to describe a woman other than “fat”:

  1. A Little Something Extra - Identified by areas of excess flesh around the upper arms and shoulders.  In most cases, she will have departed from the “B” range in cup size OR she will have met a 32” waist size or greater.
  2. Curvy - This is considered sexy in contemporary society.  Breasts and ass are accentuated, pronounced, and fit very nicely into a tight-fitting shirt and/or a tight-ass pair of jeans.  “C” cups only.
  3. Voluptuous - This is where the flesh has spread from the breasts and ass and onto the torso.  Still acceptable BUT also noticeable.  Some might have a problem with this.
  4. Thick - An increase in breast and ass size is necessary in order to compensate for increased thickness in the torso (belly) and legs.  Same thing as “Voluptuous” but just more of it.
  5. Phat - 40” plus. A term normally prescribed to women of color.  Very sexy to those with a certain taste and appreciation for the finer things in life.  Note that Young Money Entertainment has made millions of dollars off of songs dedicated to this level.
  6. Big and Beautiful - Attractive, yet any male will have to admit that she is by no means small.  He will need to be confident and gain comfort with her size.  He will also need to identify other features (eyes, hair, skin tone, etc.) that outweigh (no pun intended) her size.  Also a term normally prescribed to women of color.
  7. Heavy - At this point, there is a serious question as to whether or not she would weigh more than her male counterpart.  There is also a serious question as to whether or not she can be on top, although, some dudes like that kind of thing.
  8. Chunky - Probably not a good thing if she can identify herself under this category.  I would suggest she just go ahead and move on to level 9 or level 10.
  9. Big Boned - Now I’m just being nice.
  10. Fat
As I would categorize it, first is skinny and unclassified; second is #1 “A Little Something Extra”; third is #2 “Curvy” (and very sexy, I might add); fourth, although farther away, is probably #6 “Big and Beautiful” or #7 “Heavy”

THE DEPTH CHART: PART II

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October 26, 2011
the depth chart
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Sports imitate life. Unfortunately, it’s usually the most frustrating parts of life. The Depth Chart is proud to introduce its second installment, with up to the minute moves from some of the more storied coaches these last few weeks. enjoy.

Type Of Girl Akin To Depth Chart Protocol Strategic Tendencies
Vadge of Honor Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers “You like rape and 9/11 conspiracies? Alright whatever let’s get it on.” All this wonderful woman cares about is your performance. She’s the girl that Joe Budden was so enamored with that he couldn’t come up with another hit song and I swear now works at this bike shop down the street from me. She doesn’t give a shit if you’re late or if you forget her birthday and all that other shit because she knows bitching about it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. but you come AT her at night, all night, err night, errday, erryear, and that’s that. just bring your A game, and it’s all good.
Hopourri Hue Jackson – Oakland Raiders “Oh, him? Found him in an alley selling Bob Marley wigs. I think it’s real nappy hair too!” Ah, the sweet smell of variety. This is the girl you thought being roommates with would be “interesting”. She will never cease to amaze you where she ends up on any given night. One time you pick her up in Jersey because she woke up in the backseat of some dude’s car. Another time says she fell in love with a famous person, well no, the person’s agent, no, she means his friend, and it’s meant to be. Three days later she’s crying because they were out and another girl threw a glass in his face and told him to pay his goddamn child support. So what the hell are you doing putting up with these stories of random ho stories? In the meantime, you get to bang her. Shrug the rest off. Plus she bakes cookies sometimes.
Lady Blah Blah Rex Ryan – New York Jets “I gaurantee we’ll have sex…after this really long story.” You somehow ended up dating the fat friend who won’t shut up for two seconds. How did this happen? Ah, you like fat chicks. Well, have at it hoss. Keep tickling that girth mark and ride her to-go box from dusk to IHOP. Or ride, jack in the box break, ride some more, then IHOP.
Second Hand Slut Jim Harbaugh – San Fransisco Giants “You thought my sister was wild, check ME OUT” You are the envy of most normal males not from incestual parts of the South and Utah. You hooked up with one sister, now years later, you’re hooking up with her younger sister! You are so fucking coo– wait, wait a second, no, no that’s not right, you’re fucking a girl your older brother fucked. You are the envy of no one.
No Vacuntcy Tom Coughlin – New York Giants “I’mma take your ho to a hotel and if the ho tell I’mma whip that ho’s tail.” Her dad got you your job … So, even though she’s haggard and annoying and crusty, you’re underqualified and basically fucked. Better make sure you invite a lot of people to your wedding and she handles the invitations. That’s your only hope of getting out of this one.

THE DEPTH CHART

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October 6, 2011
the depth chart
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Sports imitate life. Unfortunately, it’s usually the most frustrating parts of life. A couple of us were voicing our various problems with girls and it occurred to me that they were much similar to familiar NFL coaches. Without further adieu, I give you the first of several segments of: The Depth Chart

Type of Girl Akin To Depth Chart Protocol Strategic Tendencies
The Capricious Slut Mike Shanahan – Washington Redskins “What have you done for me lately?” Your position is never safe. One week you’re the only one inside her, next week you show up to her house as some other dude is leaving. You ask, “who’s that?” she replies, “just a friend.” you guys fuck. She doesn’t pick up your phone calls the next couple weeks. You consider yourself replaced, start looking for other work. Then you get a late night text. hour later you’re back inside her. it doesn’t feel as good this time. you try extra hard to satisfy her. you think it worked. next week she doesn’t pick up. the cycle continues.
The Whore De Force Bill Belichick – New England Patriots “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” A committee backfield is the best you’re going to get. She makes no promises, gives out no names, and is extremely private. However, her actions speak louder than words. While you are fucking her, her phone vibrates multiple times. She is nowhere to be found on random weeknights. you expect the worst, but never ask, knowing that can only weaken your position inside her. she is hot and the sex is great, and in the end you should be thankful you’re on the roster.
The Debutaint Mike Martz – Chicago Bears “Sigh, I guess you’ll do for now.” She won’t sign you long term despite your incredible track record satisfying her. She cannot do better than you, but won’t let that stop her from acting like it. her entire life is in shambles and you are the one bright spot amidst a thousand mistakes, but she still won’t sign. you eventually wise up and move on. she responds by finding a drug addiction and/or an even bigger toolbag than you.
In a State of Bimbo Pete Carroll – Seattle Seahawks “Delusions of grand whore.” Eternal optimist with little in the way of self-awareness, she will fuck her way through through your crew with the delusion that every one will be her Knight in Shining Armor, ignorant that every dude who bangs her just wants her to stop talking. She’s the running punchline between your friends for just not getting it, the “object of your erection,” but is always the one you would date in a heartbeat if she grew up a little and didn’t already screw half your friends.
The Inter-feriority Complex Andy Reid – Philadelphia Eagles “It’s unfortunate that happened.” Everything would be great if she just chilled the fuck out. but she starts trying to put her fingers in your asshole during sex. Then she suggests a threesome but backs out at the last second. Then she gets mad at you just to have make up sex. eventually you figure out this is the madness that you’re stuck with and try to make the best of it. it works for a while, then she goes on a trip and fucks a dude in Atlanta, New York and San Fransisco. You ask for an explanation. she shrugs. you jump off a bridge.