The temperature dipped below seventy degrees today, and all the douchebags with scarves showed up.

this is a douchebag with a scarf.

I’m going to make this short: scarves were invented for hot weather. they were intended to wipe sweat off your face. you wearing one when it’s not even cold but to PRETEND that it’s cold so you can look like a hipster asshole is failing on so many levels it’s hard to comprehend.

and people still think humanity will be saved. if god chooses to save us, i will be disappointed in him. he can do better than this.

In the final thirty seconds of the #1 Indiana versus #4 MIch. St. game, the game stopped twice because of the incompetence of the timekeeper, which apparently is just some dumbass who wears a ref outfit, and sits in a chair the entire time. Why he doesn’t just have a sign that says: TIMEKEEPER in front of him is beyond me. They make him dress up in a monkey suit so basically everybody can point him out when he fucks up royally.

“You guys, make sure you press the button this time, okay? it’s kind of your only job.”

Anyway, twice the game started and the clock didn’t start, and twice all the refs congealed into a suck-tank around the replay screen, taking five to ten minutes each time to get the clock to the correct tenth of a second. each time the players, who are high on adrenaline from the game being close, have to wait around, having it wear off. the effort indiana had put into their full court press to enable fuck-ups because of fatigue down the stretch are now moot. their momentum on offense completely gone. their focus now shifted because of the confusion, and through all that, good ol Dick Vitale and Magic Johnson both concur,

“The important thing is they get the clock right.”

NO. THE IMPORTANT THING IS MY ENTERTAINMENT. 

you know whose adrenaline and focus all went out the window during these breaks? ME. the fucking fan who pays for you guys to compete. i don’t give a shit if the clock is a tenth off, or even a second off for that matter. WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS THE DRAMA OF SPORT. and every time you think you’re correcting a wrong by getting the clock right, you’re taking away from why anybody watches the fucking game in the first place.

So, let’s go through this logically, shall we? What do you get by getting the clock exactly right?

—A: The time.

What do you get by getting the clock estimated right? Or ignoring small ticks off the clock altogether?

—A: Drama, excitement, momentum, the chaos of the last moments of the game. heartbreak in real time.

You know what you don’t see in sports movies? assholes stopping to get the clock to get it right.

I mean, I’ll make it once they get the clock fixed…..okay….they’re still fixing it? hmm, what are you guys doing after the game? I guess I could see if my mom would let us have a party here, although bill’s house is much better. Oh. They fixed the clock? What was i saying?
Oh yeah, I’ll make it.

Getting the clock right has to be the dumbest fucking idea. it completely goes against the reason people watch sports. people don’t want the rules to influence the game, yet they’re fine with every other variable that makes the rules completely arbitrary. does it REALLY matter if the game clock is exact every time? how many games would be the outcome be changed? maybe 1 out of 100. but it probably changes a lot more based on the time it takes to fix the clock, slowing momentum and fatigue, benefiting the less in-shape team or the team that used all of its timeouts already.

it also changes 100 out of 100 games for the fan, who now has to let their excitement dip, and not reach the fever pitch that drama is supposed to build to. and those are who is important.

US. THE FANS. FUCK YOU TIMEKEEPER MAAAAAAN.

stay hot.

This is the definition of superficial:  of, relating to, or located near a surface (2) : lying on, not penetrating below, or affecting only the surface<superficial wounds>

This is where fat is located, according to wikipedia:  adipose tissue is located beneath the skin (subcutaneous fat), around internal organs (visceral fat), in bone marrow (yellow bone marrow) and in breast tissue.

Therefore, Rex Reed, the critic who called Melissa McCarthy a dump truck or something, is not being superficial.

This is not an example of someone feeling comfortable in “their own skin,” as deadline.com reporter Mike Fleming is quoted as saying. this is an example of obesity, a condition that is more dangerous than any other disease in america. it’s also preventable. if mike fleming wants his daughters to feel comfortable in their own skin, then he’s not describing obesity. people aren’t born this way. this is skin with 100 pounds of layered fat underneath, volunteer fat, fat that is not necessary for this body to function, and is, in fact, doing the opposite. this is not the same as someone being ugly. you are born with your face. you are not born with this body.

that people are calling for rex reed’s resignation and calling him ignorant because he called someone fat in a demeaning way is hilarious for a number of reasons:

1. people actually care about these two people. one is an actress is movies, the other is a guy who writes his opinions on these movies. they have no bearing on anybody’s daily life.

2. people actually have their blinders on enough to call this guy sexist cause he wouldn’t call a man fat, ignoring the 150 or so blatantly sexist movies and thousands of sexists songs that come out every year. nobody is calling for Flo Rida’s resignation from Atlantic.

3. lumping obese people in with other conditions such as disabilities, being ugly, race, etc. is not only ignorant, but insulting on such a higher level that all people who have this opinion should resign from their jobs if rex reed has to.

4. Her comedy includes fat jokes. i don’t like carlos mencia because all his jokes are about race. if rex reed doesn’t like female fat jokes, how is that any different than anyone’s opinion on what’s funny? FUNNY IS SUBJECTIVE YOU IDIOTS. THERE IS NO DOUBLE STANDARD. i like seeing women naked, not men. is that a double standard? fuck off.

5. most of the people who are upset at rex reed for name calling are, in the same fucking breath, calling him names. a few examples:

one more thing:

the defense to this shit is that rex reed is a “professional” critic and should be critiquing the merits of the movie. this implies, however, that there is some form of set rules for critiquing a movie, which they are none. a movie is a subjective experience, and just because you know something about film, doesn’t make your opinion more valid than someone else. the only thing that makes an opinion more valid is that someone else thinks it’s valid and decides to pay you for it. that, of course, is the Observer, the publication Rex Reed works for. therefore, saying Melissa McCarthy is “tractor-sized” is a critique of the movie by definition because the critic wrote it. if you don’t agree, then jesus christ just move on. it’s ridiculous that people feel threatened by other people’s opinions, like it’s somehow going to fuck up their own if they don’t rant and rave and try to get that person fired.

STAY HOT. IGNORE OPINIONS. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.

i was scrolling down gawker.com yesterday and noticed one article had like a billion more clicks than any other. it was an article titled:

How to Talk to a Woman Without Being a Creep

The theme of this article was hard to gauge, but i think it was roughly similar to, i dunno, about eight thousand other blog posts written about relationships in the past couple seconds.

The internet. so original!

The worst part about this article is the comment section, filled with hundreds of posts with hundreds of replies, people having the same damn conversation about the problems with males and females and sex and flirting and every other cyclical frustration they occupy their youth and middle age with.

Here’s the answer to all your problems:

GIVE UP YOU PUSSY. 

That’s right, give up! What magical thing do you think is going to change by re-reading and re-hashing these issues that’s going to increase your chances of being in a good relationship? I don’t see you playing sports anymore. Or piano. Know why? you sucked at it! You gave up! Too bad! You correctly decided to spend your time more elsewhere, but for some reason you can’t apply the same logic to relationships, and now you’ve gone and gotten some random chick pregnant. nice one, bro.

Relationships are the biggest illusion of productivity. You can mask a blind date or a night at a bar as doing something productive, but the amount of time/money spent versus the outcome of your relationships is incredibly concave. There is very little upside (a 50% chance of getting/staying married!) and a lot of downside (jealousy, insecurity, money spent, time).

“So what TMF, am I just supposed to sit at home and jerk off every night?” – Chuck Klosterman

No! Just stop fucking stressing about it. it honestly doesn’t matter. putting all your time and emotion into relationships is just going to increase your chances of falling into the biggest fucking pitfall of all:

PROJECTING

Projection is the main reason i try to avoid listening to people talk about their significant others. 99% of the time they’re talking about a completely different person than the one they are currently dating, piling on projection after projection. why? because people are so goddamn afraid of being alone for more than two seconds they date people they legitimately don’t have anything in common with. and then i got to hear them bitch about it. (but the minute i start complaining about socio-economic issues or shitty tv shows, people think i’m a downer)

So what makes a good relationship?

I could not care less. the only thing i know is that there are better things to do with my time than listening to other people’s advice about it, especially on the internet. i prefer to focus on shit that actually makes me happy 100% of the time, like tennis, and writing, and talking shit on Andy Greenwald. i don’t need to project, and the amount of time i put into it, the better i get, especially with talking shit on Andy Greenwald. I’m a fucking pro at that now.

STAY HOT.

Need something done? POWERBALL IT, BITCH.

Here’s a list of things i would FOR SURE do if there was a powerball involved.

1. Vote. 

2. Pay my taxes. 

3. Get a motherfuckin’ flu shot. 

4. Be nice/respectful to people. 

5. EAT VEGGIES. 

You know what’s lame as shit about america? we believe in free-market capitalism but don’t use it to our advantage. instead, assholes are gaming the system while simple shit, like voting, gets manipulated due to people’s dogged laziness. Obama has one good choice, and that’s to powerball everything. don’t want to vote? fine, fuck you. no powerball ticket for you. you don’t want to eat healthy and get cancer? well, fuck you, no powerball ticket for you either.

you could probably turn most of this fucktard population into decent citizens within six months. for thousands of years, we’ve manipulated our tendency to lean towards emotions rather than logic (gambling, credit cards, etc), it’s time to start applying your inadequacy towards self-improvement. it’s certainly a better plan than the one that’s in place now:

fuck that shit!

STAY HOT.

(btw i’m going to mexico this weekend and will probably die [not before i vote for bill simmons in a mexican election though], so this is likely the last post ever. POWERBALL ticket for everyone who searches for my body.

What’s worse, the fact that Ray Lewis, who killed a dude, is in the super bowl, or that some people wanted the patriots to win because they think karma of killing a dude and getting off of it would prevent him from enjoying success in his last season of football?

According to common sense/evidence, ray lewis either stabbed a dude to death, or stood there while his friends did. either way, he’s a horrible person.

but wait, the fucking patriots CHEATED and won three super bowls doing it! Shouldn’t they get punished as well?

Well, shit. mother nature is once again at odds having to choose between the lesser of two evils. that’s of course, if mother nature gave a shit about football. which she doesn’t. that won’t stop people from predicting though!

So this is Bill Simmons, who gets paid 3 million dollars a year to make predictions that he doesn’t gamble on. idiot sports fans allow him and other people to make predictions without consequence. Literally, this guy is called “The Sports Guy” and a “die hard boston fan,” yet something completely irrelevant, like the 49ers winning, freaks him out in regards to his pick that the patriots would win this game.

He does this, not because he’s actually freaked out, so he can postdict (cherry-pick so it looks like he knew, or at least sort of knew, the outcome) on his podcast tomorrow with cousin sal and that fucking moron mike lombardi. (i could write an entire thesis of his wrong and useless predictions, but he’s so boring nobody would read it)

I know what he’ll say: “I had a feeling we were in trouble…” or “It just didn’t feel right.” What he won’t say is, of course, “I was wrong. I’m actually not very good at betting or predicting anything.”

So you were 132-120 this year bill? Let me see your portfolio. let me see your betting slips. I don’t give a shit about your opinions if you’re not backing them up. I want to see you suffer or profit from them. That’s how this shit used to work, back in the day. I get paid nothing to do this site and screen grab my predictions every once in awhile. (i would do it every week, but by now people know TMF is legit as fuck, plus what could i be hiding? this site doesn’t pay me so why would i?)

He never will. Because him and every other blogger out there would rather continue doling out opinions without consequence and get paid for them. and when the opinions are wrong, they’ll bury it, or find a way to be near-right. 

“BUT SO WHAT TMF? HE’S NOT HURTING ANYBODY.” – huge bill simmons fan. 

Actually, he is. He is just as guilty as constructing false narratives in sports as Monti Te’o and Lance Armstrong. his false narrative is that he’s a sports fan, and that he conducts himself in a way that a sports fan would. 

There are a million angry Pats fans right now. 999,999 of them don’t get paid millions of dollars for their opinions. the ONE GUY who does, wouldn’t you want him to have some confidence in his hometown team? After years of sucking Brady and Bill off? We sat through hours and hours of podcasts tailored towards the pats for you to be fucking freaked out by the fucking ravens? THEY SUCK.

Caesar, when he went to war, was on the battlefield. fuck. hannibal was ON THE FRONT LINES during any war he fought.

“Status implied you took physical risks.” – Nassim Taleb. 

OK sports guy. You represent america and the pats. You are supposed to be their leader, the Napoleon, where you march into battle against the murdering, justice obstructing ravens, and tear their fucking faces off. You take the 3 million dollars you make a year and bet a million on the fucking pats. you screen grab your betting slip. That’s how confident you are. that’s how you fucking represent your team. ALL IN ON MY TEAM, I AM THE SPORTS GUY AND THAT’S WHAT A LEADER OF FANS SHOULD DO.

well?

Oh my god, i’m late for my reservations at melisse. i need to change out of this bledsoe jersey immediately.

fuck simmons. fuck ray lewis. and fuck sports fans who let these guys run our airwaves every week. they add nothing to the sport, they only bury it in stupid, unfounded opinions without anything to back it up. them being wrong means nothing, but if they’re right, you’ll get an I TOLD YOU SO the next day.

they’re all frauds in my book. and if you see fraud and fail to report it, then you’re a fraud too.

STAY HOT AND BOTHERED BY STUPID SPORTS MEDIA.

Well. Another season came and went. All in all, I ended up with a profit of 13.125 bets and a record of 71-59, which could have been better, but a solid percentage all around. My over/unders broke even, with my big wins coming from the Chicago Bears (over 9.5 wins), Detroit Lions (Under 9 wins), and both NY teams (under 9 and 9.5). My big losses were Denver, Atlanta, and Jacksonville, and i broke even on big bets to NE, Green Bay, and Baltimore.

However. TMF knows when a bet is bad, and is willing to admit it.

I took Denver to win the super bowl back in october at +900 (they’re currently +300) and atlanta to win the NFC at +500 (they’re currently +300). Sportsbook.ag has straight up WILL TEAM X WIN THE SUPERBOWL YES/NO bets, and basically, if you bet the total amount you would win on your earlier future bets on NO, you either break even or make the amount won with NO.

For example. if you bet $20 on Broncos at +900, total won is $200. On Sportsbook, if you chose NO at -400 for the bet if they will win the super bowl, you bet $200 at -400. which means you either break even or win $50. it’s a simple move that a lot of professional sportsbettors make when they sense that a team will improve throughout the season.

You’d think Denver would be the big surprise then of the year, but it’s actually the Seahawks. In the beginning of December, the seahawks were at +1500 to win the super bowl. That’s when I got them, but man, if you were riding them the whole year (Simmons?) you are probably close to +2500, maybe even more. i have no idea since it doesn’t backlog, (UPDATE: it was +3000 preseason) but currently they are going for +800.

I’m telling you this, fire nation, because +800 is STILL A GOOD DEAL. they are literally the best team in the NFL. There has maybe NEVER been a year where a team that, two games away from the super bowl, is the best team and has +800 odds. JUMP ON THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. Take them to win the NFC too.  

Other bets I made:

GREEN BAY PACKERS: Bet them right now to win the NFC (+300), the super bowl (+700), and to win straight up (+130) against the 49ers this week. Also take SF in the first half (-1.5). If i need to explain the logic there, you haven’t been reading this column all year and are probably broke by now anyway.

BALTIMORE RAVENS and HOUSTON TEXANS: Take them each to win the AFC at +1000. Why? Because all you have to do is hedge the next game. Remember, it’s not about them winning, it’s about if one of these teams wins, you can hedge for a hefty profit AGAINST them. and flukes happen. they do.

NE PATRIOTS: Take them to win the super bowl at +350 right now. It ain’t ideal, but it’s better than picking spreads for or against them.

MARGIN OF VICTORY: this is a week in which three of the four games either look like the underdog is going to win or there is a blowout. use margin of victory bets instead of over/unders or lines. here’s an example: The packers are either going to lose to SF or beat them by a lot. (god i hope it’s alot, fuck the niners and their bad karma) so you put 5 bucks each on packers to win by: 11-13 (+2000), 14-17 (+1500), 18-21 (+3500), and 22 and over (+2000) and then offset by putting 15 bucks on the 49ers (-3) and margin of victory 49ers: 1-3 (+300). That’s what i’m doing.

MOST YARDS BY RUNNING BACK: i hate these fucking fantasy bets. never EVER do a receiver one, and the QB one is usually won by like, the guy with no good odds. this week, however, i’m betting knoshown moreno at +550 just because even though he’s old as fuck, with a bye week he’s actually a decent RB and that denver will probably be ahead by a lot and running it a lot more than normal in second half.

Those are the bets this week. Enjoy the games and STAY HOT