Did you know this guy? No? Then you’re obviously not one of the 1,050 people who commented on his suicide on CNN.com this weekend. They must know this guy, since why else would they have such a strong opinion on his death as to write long-winded paragraphs mourning his death and/or furthering their agenda on such topics as religion/mental illness/homosexuality?
WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG????
Here’s why.
THE WAR OF IDEAS (as told through CNN.com comments)
IDEA #1: WE SHOULD ALL MOURN THE DEATH OF SOMEONE WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE IT’S IN THE NEWS.
example comment: “It saddens me to see the garbage that people feel they can type behind a computer screen and a keyboard. A Mother and or a Father should never have to bury their child for any reason.”
Odds of being correct: 0%
Projected Outlook: Nah. Death sucks. If I was god and was designing the world, I probably wouldn’t have people die, or if I did, would not have people have such an averse emotional reaction to it. However, seems that’s the case with reality, so we gotta deal with what we’re dealt. Fortunately, the vast majority of people who die on this planet, I don’t have to hear about! I like it that way. It keeps me on task. My job would be awfully tough if I kept getting death updates on my dead feed while at work.
Additionally, when I click on the news and hear somebody I’ve heard of but don’t know personally has a son who is dead, I quickly put him in that “unknown” category and don’t bother feeling empathy for him. This commenter, and many others (according to the comments) obviously can’t do that. They not only need to mourn the death of some guy’s son, they need to do it in a way that throws ash on people who are trying to further their agendas WITHOUT mourning. this makes the already emotional person doubles up on their feelings. Sadness with a side of anger beans. sprinkle a little world-shouldn’t-be-the-way-it-is-and-always-will-be and you have yourself your own virtual pity-fest. i hope this person gets to work in time on monday, but i doubt it since he is still responding to comments about someone he didn’t know concerning an incident that happens every couple minutes across the world.
IDEA #2: FUCK THAT SHIT RELIGION YO! PROPS TO KARMA THOUGH.
example comment: “When Pastor Rick stops his “hate preach”, maybe I will have compassion for him. People are dying and being imprisoned in Africa because of the policies he has encouraged. Karma served cold in the morning. Maybe “god” is trying to tell him something. Maybe he should listen.”
Odds of being correct: 0%
Projected Outlook: Not so good. This commenter, despite apparently being on a first name basis with rick warren, probably doesn’t realize that karma and religion are pretty much the same engine when it comes to predicting the future. this hate preach, which i’m assuming he means the discouragement against using condoms or something, has gone on a tangent all the way to another continent, and is not only awaiting rick to read these comments, but also giving him an ultimatum: stop preaching in order to get my compassion.
well, based on the evidence, i’m calling bullshit on this commenter’s compassion. anyone who believes in karma but also puts god in quotation marks is obviously a hypercritical moron and wouldn’t know compassion next to a cold dish of cause and effect suicide! remember, it’s only karma if you connect the dots! also, if rick warren is reading cnn comments right now, he really is a selfish douche and deserves no compassion.
IDEA #3: PEOPLE SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OPINIONS ON INTERNETS
example comments: “CNN should never allow posts unless they are accompanied with the writer’s name, address and email details. With those details hidden, many unwarranted and insensitive posts are made which just pours acid on open wounds.”
Odds of being correct: 10%
Projected Outlook: SOPA BITCHES! this is a comment written under every article ever. however, this commenter assumes that 1. everyone has the same sensitivity and 2. everyone shares the same opinion of what is “unwarranted.” Neither of those are true, so maybe this guy should give his name and email so we can put him in the “pseudo-intellectual pussy ass bitch” category. that of course, is warranted because it’s my fucking category that i made up, and he’s in it. little bitch.
these people, of course, have never said ANYTHING in private or to a small number of people that they would not otherwise share with every living thing on earth and stand by their comments irrevocably. these people also assume that if everyone was responsible for what they said, we wouldn’t have comments like these. a quick google search can prove this asshole wrong. people on any side of the world of ideas are willing to back it up with their names and emails. this guy is just a huge pussy.
IDEA #4: SOMETHING ABOUT GAY PEOPLE/MENTAL ILLNESS/GUN CONTROL IS THE CAUSE OF SUICIDE OR SOMETHING
example comment: “why would there be a loaded gun in a home with a mentally unstable child or adult? Who was the gun registered with? Why was it not locked up? If the gun belonged to the young man, who sold a gun to an unstable man? A man with a history of mental illness and depression.”
Odds of Being Correct: 0%
Projected Outlook: No gun laws/gay laws/mental illness laws will be changed by this because it’s one guy and really has no reason to be news if the demand for the war of ideas wasn’t so insatiable. the war of ideas allows for such hypotheticals as the commenter infers, but never will answer them since they are by definition impossible to answer. Therefore, anyone using the comment forum to promote this line of thinking for this kind of event is DOA (no pun intended).
It’s a complete waste of mental energy, but people never seem to run out of waste.
IDEA #5: GOD’S PLAN/BIBLE QUOTE AND HEARTS GO OUT TO FAMILY
Example comment: ”Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. Grace in God Forever. Amen.”
Odds of being correct: 0%
Projected Outlook: not on this planet. maybe if you die, you’ll be proven right, but by that time it’s not going to matter. you’re not going to change the comments in this section. and the only way to prove god exists is to have him return, and by that point, your comment will also be moot because god will like, be too busy judging people for you to get on the internets and say “HA, TOLD YOU” so what you’re left with is a bunch of people laughing at your bible quotes on this earth until you die…and then maybe you’re right. probably not, though.
Either way, you’re an idiot. not because you believe in this, but because you took the time to write a comment about something you’ll never be able to prove and something that is intensely personal. you actually have no stake in the war of ideas because as long as you live the way god told u, public policy doesn’t matter. gay sex could be mandatory and as long as you don’t do it, you will be saved. therefore, you have already technically won by forfeiting this war. the fact that you are not doing this and choosing to comment means you aren’t really sure about your beliefs, and need other people to agree with you. that makes you weak, and we all know weak people can’t get into heaven.
THE WINNER:
So, in the war of ideas going on while Rick Warren’s son is being buried, four of the ideas expressed in the comment section have a zero percent chance of happening, and one has a 10% chance. That means, if any change is going to happen because of these comments, it will probably be the culpability of the comments. this is easily done by linking comments to people’s facebooks, which has already been done on other websites.
Therefore, after thousands of comments discussing the suicide of the son of a pastor, the only thing that remotely has a chance of changing is facebook.
that’s our society. a dish best served with comments.
STAY HOT
