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Jonah Lehrer is the man. Read all his books, including his new one, but this one sucked for one specific reason. The whole book is about how the brain processes creativity, so naturally, I assumed they were going to tell me why Adderall makes me into the greatest human being ever, with predictive and creative powers only seen in superhero movies. instead, I get this:

Many stimulants taken to increase attention, such as caffeine, Adderall, and Ritalin, seem to make epiphanies much less likely.

WHAT YOU SAY?

Everybody knows this isn’t true, Jonah. It’s the opposite, and to prove it, I just so happened to be reading this book on Adderall as a break between script shit, and he had a couple “insight” puzzles for the reader to figure out.

IV = III + III

the task is to move a single line so that the false arithmetic statement becomes true.

You figure it out yet? ADDERALL DID.

Oh, okay, so that was the easy one, Jonah? Fine, they threw me this after.

III = III + III

Adderall solved this one even faster.

Fuck Jonah Lehrer. ADDERALL IS KING OF YOU.

Post your answers in the comments if you figure any of those out.

CASH OUT WITH YO GASH OUT

There was a moment yesterday where the Dolphins and the Falcons were up by a million, the Bengals and Jets were winning and I had written off my two over/unders since i didn’t bet that much on them, and was DEAD focused on these teasers because i knew that if those hit, I was in for a big weekend.

And I was. Pretty much everything went right. Even my sober bet won easily (even though asshole adderall self couldn’t even let me enjoy it before he reminded me he actually picked it. Asshole.) However, because of all this, I am now at a point where I am uncomfortable with the amount of money that is in my online account and have to cash out, mostly because you never know when the government is going to shut down any of these sites. So cash out on one, load a little money on another, and start rebuilding the bankroll. Them the breaks of living in America. Sigh.

NFL Futures: Over/Under Team Wins.

  • Baltimore Ravens: OVER 10.5 wins…6-2. Beating pitt twice in one season? pretty good team.
  • Buffalo Bills: UNDER 5.5 wins…5-3. hanging in there!
  • Carolina Panthers: OVER 4.5 wins…2-6. Bye
  • Cincinnati Bengals: OVER 5.5 wins…6-2. WIN: 5 times the regular bet and already won it. how bout that for the power of Adderall?
  • Dallas Cowboys: UNDER 9 wins…4-4. jesus this team is so shitty.
  • Denver Broncos: UNDER 6 wins…3-5. didn’t really watch this game, what happened?
  • Detroit Lions: OVER 7 wins…bye
  • Kansas City Chiefs: UNDER 7.5 wins…4-4. good, back to reality. this team sucks.
  • Miami Dolphins: OVER 7.5 wins… 1-7. eight in a row could happen…right?
  • Minnesota Vikings: OVER 7 wins…2-6. Bye
  • New Orleans Saints: OVER 10 wins…6-3. Good saints, are very good saints.
  • New York Giants: UNDER 9.5 wins…6-2. this is when they usually start losing.
  • New York Jets: UNDER 10 wins…5-3. Jets think they’re good. have fun with NE
  • St. Louis Rams: UNDER 7.5 wins…1-7. remember they were 4-0 in preseason guys.
  • San Francisco 49ers: UNDER 7.5 wins…7-1: yeah, i lose. they’re good.
  • Seattle Seahawks: OVER 6.5 wins…2-6. yeah, i guess they’re not very good.
  • Tennessee Titans: UNDER 6.5 wins…4-4. ill take it.
  • Washington Redskins: UNDER 6 wins…3-5. exposed, again.

SCOREBOARD:

  • PicksOA: (on adderall) 31-22
  • PicksNOA: 1-8!!!!
  • PicksDRUNK: 2-2
Note: Next week I’m going to get into the weighted bets I make, so to demonstrate the difference between the scoreboard shown and what’s actually being bet and how hard.

I woke up today with a slew of bets on my books and had to check twice to make sure they were real. At first I thought I had just made pick-em bets for the leagues I was in. But then i looked at my betonline.com account…not so much.

Well, fuck. Here’s what i bet:

ARIZONA CARDINALS (+3.5) against the Redskins: Did you know Panera Bread blocks online betting sites? fuck them. and fuck the cardinals. people are making a big deal about rex grossman being awesome and getting 300 yards every game he plays, and apparently the az secondary got torched last week. my notes say: don’t listen to people who talk about week one games. well then what else am i supposed to go on? the redskins are the real deal. they got a dope QB and good karma on their side with dan snyder looking over them. there’s no way they lose this game. i’m going redskins/pats super bowl. sober self nation.

CINCINNATI BENGALS (+3.5) against the Broncos: AH SHIT. bengals got lucky last week, no way they can win two in a row. orton is going to come out and prove all those bible thumping billboard posting lard swabs that he’s the real deal and put up 500 yards on this shitty bengals team. andy dalton is a fluke. benson can’t run for shit. fuck me and my shitty picks.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (+9) against the Lions: Motherfucker adderall self is a contradictory piece of shit. he picked the lions over and then bets against them? that line isnt nearly high enough. didnt anybody see the lions dominate? theyre so fucking legit. and the chiefs lost. if the chiefs lose one week and the lions win, there is now way the lions don’t win this game by a billion points. stupid, stupid, stupid. my notes have some stupid stat about 2010 seahawks first two games. one they won by 30, the next they lost by 30 to a team that lost by 20. who gives a fuck. week one means everything, not last year.

well there you have it. don’t make any of these picks because they suck and they’re all weird underdog fantasies that will never come true. fuck me.

Well, once again my adderall self is much smarter than my non adderall self. here’s how the numbers stacked up after week one.

NFL Futures: Over/Under Team Wins.

  • Baltimore Ravens: OVER 10.5 wins…1-0. Beat the best team in the league by 30 points.
  • Buffalo Bills: UNDER 5.5 wins…1-0, but beat another team I had the under on.
  • Carolina Panthers: OVER 4.5 wins…0-1, but cam newton looked good enough to get to 5-11
  • Cincinnati Bengals: OVER 5.5 wins…1-0, 4x the amount looking good. nice unanimous browns prediction nfl experts, fucking idiots.
  • Dallas Cowboys: UNDER 9 wins…0-1. losers.
  • Denver Broncos: UNDER 6 wins…0-1. already calling for tebow.
  • Detroit Lions: OVER 7 wins…1-0. they looked a little better than a 7-9, didnt they?
  • Kansas City Chiefs: UNDER 7.5 wins…0-1, losing by 34 to the bills. now that’s a .500 team right? for sure not.
  • Miami Dolphins: OVER 7.5 wins… 0-1. Hey they tried.
  • Minnesota Vikings: OVER 7 wins…0-1. they covered the spread though.
  • New Orleans Saints: OVER 10 wins…0-1, their offense looked fire though.
  • New York Giants: UNDER 9.5 wins…0-1. couldn’t even beat the redskins.
  • New York Jets: UNDER 10 wins…0-1, but played the cowboys who i also picked the under on. somebody had to win.
  • St. Louis Rams: UNDER 7.5 wins…0-1, good job all you dumbasses who watched preseason and thought this team was legit.
  • San Francisco 49ers: UNDER 7.5 wins…1-0. alright i fucked this one up. still early though.
  • Seattle Seahawks: OVER 6.5 wins…0-1. yeah, this game was ugly.
  • Tennessee Titans: UNDER 6.5 wins…0-1. im not sure why you pay a guy 100 million and not use him. where the hell was CJ in this game?
  • Washington Redskins: UNDER 6 wins…1-0, but they beat a team i also have the under on.

NFL Week One Picks:

  • PICK O’ THE WEEK — Eagles -4.5 (WIN): Stop watching preseason. the eagles won’t get a line this soft again.
  • Non-adderall picks: Giants spread (LOSS) and Atlanta spread (LOSS). good job non-adderall self.
  • Drunk picks: Jets outright (WIN)
  • Summary: Not a bad first week.

SCOREBOARD:

  • PicksOA: (on adderall) 1-0.
  • PicksNOA: 0-2.
  • PicksDRUNK: 1-0.