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Tag Archives: assholes

you can change your name, but you’re still an asshole

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April 10, 2012
sports / deportes
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I'm going to be a Laker girl!

Ron Artest Metta World Peace has suggested that Lamar Odom should rejoin the Lakers as a  a ball boy/towel boy for the rest of the year.

Well aren’t you funny, Ron. So your teammate who you won a championship with is now a peon? You have a guy that was traded away from a team after seven years and two championships and you suggest he become the ball boy? Then Ron tries to cover his tracks and say, ‘Oh no, he should be a scout’? The guy just got released from a team and you, “World Peace,” his former teammate are going to rub salt in that open wound?

If you want the guy to rejoin the team, don’t belittle him in the media by saying he could be the ball boy. Regardless of any plans to have Lamar play in LA next year that might be in place, the last thing I want is my former teammate saying that I should do a publicity stunt by wiping the sweat off his face.

NBA players just don’t have a sense of humor I guess — remember LeBron and Wade fake coughing last year? I wonder if they would have done that if it was Jordan they were facing when he had the flu. Greg Oden thinks its funny to be the number one pick overall and then never play. These guys need a crash course on what is funny and what just makes them a dickhead. At least once “World Peace” gets cut he can pursue his dream of becoming a Laker girl.

This has to be the biggest “Fuck You” since Tin Cup when David Simms showed up to Roy McAvoy’s driving range saying he needed help in a tournament and then had him caddy. I can only hope that Lamar has an equal opportunity to prove himself and show up the man who wronged him like Roy does in this scene.

too much fire. no seriously

By
March 5, 2012
fire
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I find this very entertaining, it was in the elevator at my friends apartment building. I’ve had it on my phone for a while so it’s no longer up but its still funny. The Regency Board of Directors made it pretty clear, don’t use the elevator in the event of a fire. Unless of course you want your lifeless body consumed by blazing hot flames.

My favorite part is the “it will go right to the floor where the fire is…and OPEN THE DOORS“. I read it as if a Kindergarten teacher were yelling it at the children.  Like what the fuck else do elevators do. If the doors didn’t open it would just be a tiny lateral moving room, asshole.

They should reconsider the whole elevator floor switches being heat activated. Seems unsafe. How about in the event of a fire alarm you just disable the elevator?

Realistically I would just move out of this building. It’s full of old people who probably shit themselves after reading this…..so now we have smelly deathtrap elevators. Even better.

I feel like we should have this kind of warning up before you visit our site. Just know that flames will consume your lifeless body after reading TOOMUCHFIRE.com.

Just use the stairs people.

now it’s getting personal

By
November 17, 2011
"news", opines
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how delicious does real turkey look?

We can all argue about things being “so American”, but honestly, what was one of the first traditions in America? Turkey on Thanksgiving. Now these PETA activists assholes are attacking a town for using the word “Turkey” as their name — of all times, in November.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has asked the mayor of Turkey, Texas to change the name of his town to “Tofurky,” a vegan turkey alternative.

So you want a town who has less than 500 residents and the only cool thing about their town is the name to change it to Tofurkey? This town has nothing, the majority of the town lives below the poverty line and their cool town name is all they have going. I’m pretty sure they’re just paying homage to turkeys, not promoting the eating of them. So whats your real agenda PETA? Do you not want people to even think about Turkeys?

Anyways… Lets get some things straight :

1) No one likes tofurkey. I’m not even sure vegans actually like it, they just know they can’t have the real thing so mixed cardboard powder and some other shit to concoct tofurkey. It is not turkey. I don’t care if it “tastes similar” (I’m sure it doesn’t) and you will never convince us (the American public) otherwise. Stop forcing your hippie ideals on everyone, if we want to eat turkey like they did at the first Thanksgiving, tough shit. You want to stop people from whaling? Fine, but thats in Japan. Leave the people of Turkey Texas alone.

2) Next time you want to give an incentive, don’t offer a tofurkey dinner to the entire town. What makes you think that anyone would go for that?

“Kids…this year we’re not going to make a turkey. Some hippies are going to come by in their electric minivans and drop of Tofurkey!”

How un-American does that sound? Did I go into a coma and this is now Canada? How about you throw away the tofurkey and drop off the rest of that meal at a homeless shelter. Seriously if you want to make a positive difference in this world do that — don’t force your bullshit ideals on people.

3) This is NOT like people wanting to change the name of sports teams from “Scalping Savages” or anything — those cases are stupid too. I can see if a HUMAN BEING is offended because a name is “offensive”. But if this happens, what is next? Are the Detroit Tigers stripped  of their name because Tigers are endangered? Do we really care that much about animals? I’m pretty sure Turkeys are not intelligent animals and their only purpose in life is to be delicious and to breed before that so there can be more delicious birds.

PETA, I hate you. Always have, always will. You serve this world no purpose other than providing me with (now daily) ammunition to rip you apart with. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

I’d compare NYC brokers to…

By
November 4, 2011
observations, tales
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Looking for an apartment in New York City is the worst experience ever. Over the last few weeks I have pretty much seen it all. I noticed some correlation between the brokers characteristics and some people you may know. I’ve listed a few here — but I’m looking for some feed back and horror stories. Send them over and we’ll get them up. Enjoy.

crazy girlfriends / stalkers. (same thing)

Please see below photo. Griff, if you read this I promise I’ll call you back later.

let me tell you about this 646 number you see below. These are JUST the voicemails. I also had two other calls from him. Text messages are a whole different story — texts me 3 times a day. Doesn’t sound bad, but seeing as I don’t know him at all, shit is CREEPY.

lay off man...

Called this bro on Tuesday  to set up a meeting at 1:30pm. This takes time from my busy cubicle monkey day to go to view an apartment — but I tell myself it will be worth it.

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move-in week

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September 2, 2011
observations
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there’s a strange phenomenon in boston at the end of each august known as ‘move-in week’ — where thousands of asshole college kids descend on the city to rent all our u-haul trucks, clog the shit out of our streets, look lost around the city, take all our parking spaces, not handle their liquor, and commit other general public nuisances.

this is always a catch-22 for year-round residents. on one hand, these kids (mostly the arrogant/privileged-types from the NYC suburbs) are total douches and quickly take away whatever space and peacefulness we had since they left after memorial day. on the other hand, the average age of the city drops something like 15 years in one week, and the local streets and bars fill up with total smokebombs just about everywhere you go. it almost makes this “young professional” (or whatever the hell we’re called) want to go back to college, until i realized we actually get paid to work instead of vice-versa…suckers.

but perhaps the best part of move-in week is that the sidewalks turn into some kind of turkish bazaar, where you can find just about anything you don’t even like or need. moving out of some rat-infested hellhole in the crosshairs of the BU hipster basement scene last year enabled me to ‘come across’ my new bedroom set rather conveniently.

of course this free-for-all inevitably leads to drunkards smashing televisions in the middle of the street while shooting off fireworks at 1am on a monday night, but that’s what happens when you live in FACKIN boston kid.

alright, enough of the bitching…you can find me at mary ann’s getting a busch light draft and trying to relive the glory days.