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Texting with strangers pt. 1

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January 13, 2012
texting with strangers
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I guess you can say that I enjoy going out. But anything that has the word “dollar” in front of it just warms my heart. It’s like stealing in NYC if you get dollar beers. I know they do it all over, but so does the bar that’s right next to my house. I like the 20 foot walk to heaven. Let me tell you, dollar brews on 51st are WAY different from dollar brews on 109th. Just sayin’.

So I go over with my roommates one night, just meet up with a few friends. Quiz night/ dollar beers/ karaoke 10 – close. Boom. Between 5 of us we ended up crushing 51 beers. Even if they were under the normal price of 5 bucks, at $4 a piece that would have cost us over $200. Yet, $51 bucks gets us loaded. Awesome.

Of course I need to grab a picture of this statement just so I know that 51 beers in the matter of like 2 hours isn’t too shabby. One of the girls I’m with is like “ohh you gotta send me that pic!“  like a typical chick. I hand her my phone and say “ok go ahead put in your number and I can send it to you“. See what I did there.

What happens? She puts in the wrong number. Who doesn’t know their own number? This chick. Naturally when some random person texts me back I decide to let em’ know whats good.

The pic below is the bill, and the text message conversation below is the result of the wrong number.

I’m the green, aka “Steve”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stay hot, stay up. HAPPY WEEKEND.
Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they give you candy. That’s how you know they are nice people.

 

adele completely covers cosmo

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November 2, 2011
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Oh she covered the spread alright. I had the under on +/` 3 square inches of negative space on sportsbook. FINALLY my sober self wins a bet.

By the way, does Adele even realize this entire cover is making fun of her? 10 Nasty Health Situations? When He Shouldn’t See you Naked? These cosmo authors are the exact “horrible people” Adele has referenced when talking about her weight issues, and you better believe they didn’t forget. But I guess when you have to cancel your tour, you got to make money somehow.

Coincidence?

Nope, not this time.

shout out to jules for the link. i don’t go out of my way to look for adele stuff.

THE DEPTH CHART: PART II

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October 26, 2011
the depth chart
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Sports imitate life. Unfortunately, it’s usually the most frustrating parts of life. The Depth Chart is proud to introduce its second installment, with up to the minute moves from some of the more storied coaches these last few weeks. enjoy.

Type Of Girl Akin To Depth Chart Protocol Strategic Tendencies
Vadge of Honor Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers “You like rape and 9/11 conspiracies? Alright whatever let’s get it on.” All this wonderful woman cares about is your performance. She’s the girl that Joe Budden was so enamored with that he couldn’t come up with another hit song and I swear now works at this bike shop down the street from me. She doesn’t give a shit if you’re late or if you forget her birthday and all that other shit because she knows bitching about it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. but you come AT her at night, all night, err night, errday, erryear, and that’s that. just bring your A game, and it’s all good.
Hopourri Hue Jackson – Oakland Raiders “Oh, him? Found him in an alley selling Bob Marley wigs. I think it’s real nappy hair too!” Ah, the sweet smell of variety. This is the girl you thought being roommates with would be “interesting”. She will never cease to amaze you where she ends up on any given night. One time you pick her up in Jersey because she woke up in the backseat of some dude’s car. Another time says she fell in love with a famous person, well no, the person’s agent, no, she means his friend, and it’s meant to be. Three days later she’s crying because they were out and another girl threw a glass in his face and told him to pay his goddamn child support. So what the hell are you doing putting up with these stories of random ho stories? In the meantime, you get to bang her. Shrug the rest off. Plus she bakes cookies sometimes.
Lady Blah Blah Rex Ryan – New York Jets “I gaurantee we’ll have sex…after this really long story.” You somehow ended up dating the fat friend who won’t shut up for two seconds. How did this happen? Ah, you like fat chicks. Well, have at it hoss. Keep tickling that girth mark and ride her to-go box from dusk to IHOP. Or ride, jack in the box break, ride some more, then IHOP.
Second Hand Slut Jim Harbaugh – San Fransisco Giants “You thought my sister was wild, check ME OUT” You are the envy of most normal males not from incestual parts of the South and Utah. You hooked up with one sister, now years later, you’re hooking up with her younger sister! You are so fucking coo– wait, wait a second, no, no that’s not right, you’re fucking a girl your older brother fucked. You are the envy of no one.
No Vacuntcy Tom Coughlin – New York Giants “I’mma take your ho to a hotel and if the ho tell I’mma whip that ho’s tail.” Her dad got you your job … So, even though she’s haggard and annoying and crusty, you’re underqualified and basically fucked. Better make sure you invite a lot of people to your wedding and she handles the invitations. That’s your only hope of getting out of this one.

THE DEPTH CHART

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October 6, 2011
the depth chart
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Sports imitate life. Unfortunately, it’s usually the most frustrating parts of life. A couple of us were voicing our various problems with girls and it occurred to me that they were much similar to familiar NFL coaches. Without further adieu, I give you the first of several segments of: The Depth Chart

Type of Girl Akin To Depth Chart Protocol Strategic Tendencies
The Capricious Slut Mike Shanahan – Washington Redskins “What have you done for me lately?” Your position is never safe. One week you’re the only one inside her, next week you show up to her house as some other dude is leaving. You ask, “who’s that?” she replies, “just a friend.” you guys fuck. She doesn’t pick up your phone calls the next couple weeks. You consider yourself replaced, start looking for other work. Then you get a late night text. hour later you’re back inside her. it doesn’t feel as good this time. you try extra hard to satisfy her. you think it worked. next week she doesn’t pick up. the cycle continues.
The Whore De Force Bill Belichick – New England Patriots “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” A committee backfield is the best you’re going to get. She makes no promises, gives out no names, and is extremely private. However, her actions speak louder than words. While you are fucking her, her phone vibrates multiple times. She is nowhere to be found on random weeknights. you expect the worst, but never ask, knowing that can only weaken your position inside her. she is hot and the sex is great, and in the end you should be thankful you’re on the roster.
The Debutaint Mike Martz – Chicago Bears “Sigh, I guess you’ll do for now.” She won’t sign you long term despite your incredible track record satisfying her. She cannot do better than you, but won’t let that stop her from acting like it. her entire life is in shambles and you are the one bright spot amidst a thousand mistakes, but she still won’t sign. you eventually wise up and move on. she responds by finding a drug addiction and/or an even bigger toolbag than you.
In a State of Bimbo Pete Carroll – Seattle Seahawks “Delusions of grand whore.” Eternal optimist with little in the way of self-awareness, she will fuck her way through through your crew with the delusion that every one will be her Knight in Shining Armor, ignorant that every dude who bangs her just wants her to stop talking. She’s the running punchline between your friends for just not getting it, the “object of your erection,” but is always the one you would date in a heartbeat if she grew up a little and didn’t already screw half your friends.
The Inter-feriority Complex Andy Reid – Philadelphia Eagles “It’s unfortunate that happened.” Everything would be great if she just chilled the fuck out. but she starts trying to put her fingers in your asshole during sex. Then she suggests a threesome but backs out at the last second. Then she gets mad at you just to have make up sex. eventually you figure out this is the madness that you’re stuck with and try to make the best of it. it works for a while, then she goes on a trip and fucks a dude in Atlanta, New York and San Fransisco. You ask for an explanation. she shrugs. you jump off a bridge.

g-chat registry: hanging out with chicks sucks

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September 29, 2011
g-chat registry
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no updates to the g-chat registry for awhile, so we’ll throw one in. this one was sent via story tip central at toomuchfire@gmail.com a few days ago….SEND MORE.

clam_newton: man i don’t wanna hang out with this chick tonight
i just wanna get ripped, do laundry and watch the sox blow it

o’doyle: ohh boy
the time is here, how to let her off gently
never never easy

clam_newton: yeah i’m not good at this either

o’doyle: your toast kiddo
fucked to the Nth degree
no one gets out of those situations unscaved
but my best to you sir

clam_newton: yeah this whole ‘exclusive’ thing just isn’t really my thing
i’d rather just beat off

o’doyle: you know what yuo need to do, just pull the trigger and it will be all over with

clam_newton: instead of deal with this

o’doyle: FIFA is here adn you dont hae the time

clam_newton: yeah i think at the end of the night i’m gonna have to just lay it on the line

o’doyle: be serious with yourself adn maybe more importatnyl with her

clam_newton: ”so i had a great time BUT…it’s over”
vaya con dios

o’doyle: adios muchacha
her hand jobs never amounted to what you can give yourself
no girls can
so either she opens wide or hits the curb
dont let my crusty sock hit you on the way out sweetie

clam_newton: well she’s actually good at head
but it’s not about any of that

clam_newton: it’s about me having to devote part of my life to pretending i’m intersted in anything besides hooking up

o’doyle: yeah i know just making light of it

clam_newton: yeah hand jobs blow though

o’doyle: cant devote, we havent even seen a footy match together yet, your too far from being devoted to anything but what you already have

clam_newton: yeah

o’doyle: devote yourself to a good porn routine

clam_newton: if i’m going to maintain my lifestyle of excess drinking/smoking/sports viewing, this just isn’t going to work out
sry hun

o’doyle: see thats the line there, it ust sums up everything your thinking and feeling
so like i said, dont let my crusty sock hit you on the way out…….you are the weakest link, GOOD BYE

clam_newton: hahah
i don’t think i’m cut out for relationships
i’m too much of a free spirit

o’doyle: you got (friend’s name redacted) blood in you

clam_newton: yeah…i need to be FREE
to drink whatever, whereever
on extremely short notice

o’doyle: wild horses run through your veins