Here’s a story written just five days ago by Greg Garber, a longtime contributor to espn for tennis-related idiocy.
This article flat out states that Serena Williams is the best player ever and is going to win the French Open pretty much in her sleep.
Fast forward just five days later, Serena Williams loses in the first round of the French Open to: Virginie Razzano, ranked 99 in the world and has never come close to winning anything in her entire life. Nice job Greg. You are completely wrong about everything all the time. Fire yourself.
Well, ESPN, you hired the wrong sports bettor.
If anybody followed the brilliant Sarah Phillips story on Deadspin yesterday, (kudos to those guys, they actually do fantastic journalism when they feel like it) you’d know this fake ass chick named Sarah got the boot and scammed a bunch of witless college kids into her crappy betting schemes.
The story was enthralling, and got even better as I witnessed her Twitter breakdown in real time last night. Man, that was interesting. Everything that is so flawed about humanity was on display; the self-absorbed train-wreck that was her tweets, the furor of internet hate, and my own empathy/sociopathy that could not draw my eyes away.
can you guys just let me scam in peace?
ESPN is a pretty arrogant company, and I don’t really care because they run shit a lot better than most networks. But man, they must think fantasy baseball players have nothing better to fucking do than check lineups and scores at every hour of the day.
First of all, you draft like eight million players for each team.
Fuck, I probably could gotten Floyd at 302nd.
The draft lasts fucking forever, and then once it’s over the real work begins, trolling the schedule to make sure you sub in guys who randomly sit out or closer rotation or meeting innings limits, or DAMN I JUST GOT FIRED FOR THIS.
Fantasy sports has had a pretty negative impact on my life. It got me suspended in high school and it’s made me a total of about .00002 cents an hour considering how much time I’ve put into it. But whatever, it’s fun. Better than like, finding a passion or something…
Here’s my solution: ESPN needs to make a better app, cause their app sucks, and also make it so that everybody who isn’t playing is automatically subbed in for someone that is. This isn’t laziness, we just want to keep our day jobs. Just make it so I can draft, plug, and check once a day to see how I’m doing.
Too much to ask ESPN? For sure not.
By the way, my kickass team name comes from one of the best SNL 5-1′s of all time. Check it out.
simulated image of projected new espn editor david duke
For those of you who don’t follow NBA (a list that includes myself), you may have missed some great headlines over the years on ESPN.com.
In an attempt to actually increase their NBA viewership, ESPN apparently decided to hire famous grand-wizard David Duke to start writing their headlines. In case you haven’t been on the site lately, the most recent NBA headline was regarding a recent performance of Jeremy Lin and ESPN decided to go with “Chink in the Armor.”
Intrigued, TMF sent in an agent to look into the matter and they were able to uncover some upcoming headlines which are now presented to you, our dear reader:
On Manny Ramirez’s attempt to return to MLB:
“Spic of the Devil; he’s back!”
On Hue Jackson becoming a coach for the Bengals:
“Spade ready to plow field in Cincinnati”
On Ryan Braun’s upcoming season:
“Kikes in the Outfield”
With headlines like that, expect an Auschwitz-oven-hot 2012 for ESPN.
So I’m making my way through the ol’ TMF mailbag late last night, mostly to see all the new friends who’ve jumped on board from the social networks (thank you, by the way), and something caught my eye:
————— Original Message —————
Hello. tmf here from toomuchfire.com. We’d like John Clayton to do a weekly power rankings for our website to generate more traffic. We think he’s basically fucking shakespeare and want him on staff. We won’t pay him, but I think the satisfaction of being reactionary and obvious to a whole new audience is payment enough. Please let us know.
I’m guessing toomuchfire sent this highly sarcastic e-mail to ESPN in one of his late-night Adderall binges. But despite our best recruiting efforts, you wouldn’t expect ESPN to actually respond to some jackass like him, right?
Wrong. From the looks of it, this is the job of the ESPinterns.
Thank you for your e-mail.
We appreciate you taking the time to write and share your thoughts with us. We have shared your comments with the appropriate personnel for their review and consideration.
ESPN Viewer Response
Great news. Looks like I’ll be getting the creative brief ready for our new “power rankings” segment. Bravo, sir.
Texas will probably wrap this up tonight, and you better believe the espn.com pun generators are cranking out possible titles as we speak.
I’m going with: LONE STARS: TEXAS CAPTURES FIRST WORLD SERIES SINCE WHO GIVES A FUCK.
by the way, it’s a shame there isn’t a cheering section in texas stadium for the “Napoli Headed Ho’s” That would have been hilarious, but people from Texas are either too dumb to come up with something like that or there just aren’t enough black people around.
We’re anticipating a yankees collapse tonight, and you better believe the espn.com pun generators are cranking out possible titles as we speak.
i’m going with: YANKED! (subtext: NY loses after AJ Burnett pulled in 3rd after giving up 84 runs)
Ed. — And the verdict is in: “Answering the Call” (subtext: NY wins after AJ Burnett pulled in 5th after giving up 1 run and 4 hits)