Yet another new segment at TMF. This is where each of our writers try to guess the ridiculously bad pun that espn.com leads with whenever a major story breaks.
For tonight’s collapse of both the braves and red sox, I’m going with: WILD N’ OUT
(ed. update — looks like espn went with “Minutes to Win It” … lame.)
so while my baseball team is going in the toilet, blowing the biggest september lead in baseball history and managing to shoot for the worst september record in franchise history, fans at fenway still possibly cannot be bothered by such DOWNERS!
yes the red sox and their real fans are in TOTAL PANIC MODE yet you would never fucking know it by the god damn sideshow going on in the stands at Fenway Park. last night, one of the biggest games of the season, was COLLEGE NIGHT! so clearly it attracted the real die hards…you know, the ones who were blocking my street with a U-Haul a month ago and who are walking around the city with their heads up their asses.
the geniuses keeping the money flowing for John Henry to pump into the fountains of his bajillion dollar mansion have clearly decided that this whole tank-job is really bad for business, so let’s just have everyone do earmuffs, and sing BAH! BAH! BAH! during the incessant playing of Neil Diamond’s pedophile anthem Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 8th of EVERY GAME.
Like who cares if we just blew the lead in the top of the 8th AGAIN? Some schlep from New Hampshahhhh just drove 200 miles to hear this song, do the wave and all the other nonsense that DOESN’T INVOLVE WATCHING BASEBALL and she’s going to GOD DAMN HEAR IT!!!
I swear to god this team might’ve won two rings under this ownership, but they also sold their soul in the process.
I want the ASSHOLES BACK!!
is cigar guy peeping on brookline residents?
so i’ve got a two-week backlog of wacky police stories to share. might as well get right to it:
Shrooming: A Summit Avenue resident said a shirtless older male wearing blue pants and cut some bushes before walking down the street. The man turned out to be foraging for mushroom.
Public urination? A caller said a group of teens were drinking and peeing on building on Monmouth Court and Monmouth Street. Police determined the teens were three beerless men on their way to a Red Sox game.
FAHKIN brookline cawps…i wish we had some beeeahs.
Alimony: A Beacon Street resident said she’d returned home to find half her furniture missing. She said she was in the middle of a divorce and thought her husband might have something to do with it.
Way to put 2 and 2 together…
Peeper: An Egmont Street resident said she’d spotted a bearded brown-haired man in his mid 20s, wearing blue pants, with a cigar in his mouth, peering through her window. She said the man fled on a mountain bicycle when she yelled. (SEE PHOTO)
I guess life as an investment banker in London just wasn’t working out for Cigar Guy…
Drunk: Police said they took an intoxicated woman to the hospital after they found she had urinated herself by a phone booth on Beacon Street.
Welcome back students!!!!!
Stool Cycle: A caller said a street person had been putting feces into washing machines in a Thorndike Street Laundromat.
Drunk biking: Police responded to Thorndike Street for reports of an intoxicated man on a bicycle. Police did not locate the man.
“Police said the bearded man was last seen leaving a craft beer bar wearing skinny jorts, a plaid shirt, chuck taylors and was smoking an American Spirit”
Shoplifting: Police responded to 155 Harvard St. after a caller told them a man took 8 bags of frozen shrimp and left on foot. Police did not locate the man.
Also, Whole Foods reported 8 bottles of cocktail sauce stolen. Police are investigating a possible connection.
A caller told police two Brookline firefighters were in her home, but the department had no record of them being there. Police said the caller couldn’t describe the men, but said they could’ve been from a utility company.
i’m liveblogging this shit cause i HAVE POWAH and a 1080p view of heidei watney in my room. time to introduce liveblogging, hub style:
10:06 HEIDI just had some dood from the drawpkick muhhhphys awn talkin about drinkin beeahs and it was totally awesome.
10:10 Jawsh BAHHD is comin in…get me a beeeah
10:13…russel mahhhtin. wonder if frank mccourt is hidin’ out in a fenway luxury bawx watchin’ with a double scotch and soda?
10:14 switch to pats game kid..you nevah know who you can steal late round fantasy sqwawd
10:17 ryan mallett getting pummeled right now. o-line looking suspect.
10:19 randy cross talking about a 4 minute offense?
10:20 less bored belichick and more heidi please
10:21 i hate preseason football. BACK TO SAWX
10:22 three run inning fawh new yawwwk. FACKIN A
10:28 GAHDNAH with tha snag…remy said it looked like a gappah
10:33… roommates home from sushi. SAKE
10:37 roommate quote: “get me a beeah doesn’t mean go get ya fackin laundry.” … “I KNOW…i know”
12:08 we lost and i have to be up in 6 hours. vaya con dios.
so there it is! hope you enjoyed the first and worst liveblogging effort in TMF history.
Marco Scutaro RBI | AP Photo
As I sit here reading TMF and watch the Rangers try to come back against the Massholes (Get it? Because the team is from Massachusetts and most of their fans attend mass? I thought you got it — okay), I’m reminded of the nice-sized contingent of TMF writers who’re not only from the northeast, but more specifically the Boston-Cambridge-Quincy metropolitan statistic area.
They drive their Volvos. They sip their lattes. They listen to NPR. They play William Orbit on their iPods. And they write left-leaning blog posts on the internet. You know the type.
Ah hell, Scutaro just drove in Lavarnway and Saltamacchia. Not our night I guess.
Regardless, I’ll bet few of my colleagues’ peers ever thought a white trash piece of shit like me would impose the label of “writer” on myself and in connection with my God-given surname. But ain’t it somethin’? It’s on my LinkedIn profile headline and everything.
And since I have this ability to mix and match words in such a way, it’s only right I voice exceptions I may have to things like pictures of the Governor of Texas eating a corn dog with a homo-erotic innuendo as the caption.
Now it’s not like I really care about this instance. We call him Rick Fairy. But the point I’m trying to make is that I’m here and I want to be heard. And much like North Korea, I’m willing to go to great lengths to enrich uranium so that you will know that I’m present and you will hear what I have to say.
In other words, the next time one of you pops off at a member of this weak-ass Republican presidential nomination field, be prepared for my retort.
There goes Pedroia to drive in Scutaro and Gonzalez. 11- 4. Fuck it.